11 – The Secret Sauce – Part 2: Generosity

By RAFAEL ANTONIO ROBERT

 

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:37-38)

A secret sauce can turn ordinary meals into mouthwatering, must-have feasts! And as any good left-over connoisseur knows, a good sauce can make up for food that is, well… not at its best. To get our secret sauce for a happy marriage, you just need to know the right mix of ingredients and the second ingredient is: generosity.

I know what you’re thinking, this guy loves sauces. Totally true. And you may also be thinking, ‘Wait, generosity? I thought we were talking about marriage not money!’ Right again, read on!

As I shared before, my wife and I have our differences. One of them is that I am a total time-optimist. I am constantly late. I justify it as part of my cultural identity; I’m on “Latino Time.” In Puerto Rico, if an invitation says 6 pm, and you show up any time before 7:00 you are likely to catch the hosts still cooking (if not in the shower). In the Midwest, cars are lined up on the street at 5:45 waiting to promptly ring the doorbell, but not too early (SO polite)! Needless to say, my time optimism has led to more than a few inconveniences. My poor wife, who could effectively run multiple world nations at once, has on more than one occasion had to scramble plans thanks to my lateness. In truth, my behavior is not utter selfishness or disregard for others. I suffer from ‘male-pattern focus’, which generally speaking is the ability to only really focus on one thing at a time. And I never look at clocks. When I’m meeting with one person, I’m focused on that person. Not a bad thing until I realize I’m late for the next person! That my wife has not given up on me is a testament to… you got it: generosity.

Generosity in our relationships can be defined as both selflessly serving and putting others first and as taking the most generous or positive view towards each other and our behavior… even when it isn’t merited (that’s grace!).

According to research published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology and in Shaunti Feldhahn’s The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, believing the best about our partner and subscribing to the most generous explanation for our partner’s behavior, even when not deserved, may be the most important quality of happy couples and marriages.

This shouldn’t surprise us since Jesus teaches all about showing grace and generosity in relationships. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:37-38) Jesus speaks in that chapter of loving our enemies, giving to others willingly and treating others the way we would want to be treated. The message is clear: we are all imperfect and benefit from a loving relationship with a forgiving God. Jesus wipes away our dirt and sin so that God views us positively and cleansed. We are called to do the same for others, even our enemies, let alone our spouses (which may seem harder!)

So consider how my wife being generous towards me could sound, practically, when I have come home from work late. She could say, “you’re selfish, not dependable, and totally inconsiderate of your family.” Ouch. Or she could choose a positive view towards me (not my actions) and start there. “I know you love us, work hard for our family, and you are really focused on your work. I want you to know that when you came home later than you said you would, it really impacted our family plans tonight.” That type of generosity and grace gives me space and compels me to want to do better and offer her the same in return. And that leads to an abundant happiness that pours over!

 

TALK ABOUT IT

What is one way that you can choose generosity towards your spouse?

What is one area where you are being shown generosity and you could work on improving?

Take the challenge! Start the morning deciding one way you will show generosity throughout your day.

 

 

Rafael and Kelly have been married 18 years and have two children. Kelly is a teacher at a small Christian pre-school and Rafa has a BA in Religion and an MA in Counseling and serves as director of Brightpeak’s Love & Money Project helping young Christian couples improve their relationships by improving their relationship with money. Both volunteer their time in various ministries at Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, MN.