13 – Light Up The Dark

By DALE DEMELL

 

“In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:4-5)

It was our third year of marriage and we were pumping out children like we needed them to run a family business. The last thing we had time for was other couples. There were only a few outliers having children as young as us, so Christian community was a foreign concept and was never talked about in our church.

One weekend we had the rare opportunity of having dinner with some friends. I will never forget the simple question that wrecked, devastated, and crushed me in one sweeping moment: “How was your first year of marriage?”

This seemingly harmless question had a simple answer which I quickly blurted out, “It was fantastic, with Christian sex, rose petals, and poopy diapers, what could possibly be better?” Meanwhile, my wife answered at the same time, “Awful!”

The rest of our dinner was a blur. I was furious but mostly hurt. How could I not know? I am a kind, perceptive guy with a great upbringing. How could I be at fault? Why hadn’t my wife communicated this? Or had she, and I missed it?

The many conversations and tears that followed that night seem insignificant now, but at the time, it exposed a dark place in our relationship. This dinner did not create the problem, it simply shined a light into darkness that I didn’t realize was there.

As a kid brought up in the church, I frequently heard something like this, “Wait for marriage, then you will do it… all the time!” As a pastor now, I understand what they were trying to communicate. I know they were well-meaning preachers and camp speakers, but I trusted everything they said. So as a young husband and father, those messages translated to the mentality that sex was what brought significance to my marriage. If someone had asked me if I defined the quality of my relationship with my wife on sex, I would have adamantly denied it. Not because I was lying, but because I had never been confronted with the darkness that desperately needed light.

This reminds me of John 1:4-5, “In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” We see Jesus being life, which equals the light for all to see. When Christ’s light shines in a dark area, hidden things will be exposed.

It was a simple dinner with friends that exposed this buried issue in our marriage, which then led us to a healthier place. It doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert, isolation is damaging. Make a conscious effort to interact with others, especially life-giving couples that speak well of one another. Conversations, relationships, and interactions with others will bring accountability. Embrace this!

Once the darkness was exposed, we had to learn to communicate. Many times we avoid difficult conversations because of the energy and work they take. I get it, but your marriage is worth it. By working through these kinds of conversations, we learned that sex is a wonderful expression of love between a husband and wife which should be defined by the two of us in its boundaries and expectations, not by our culture or friends. My wife and I worked out some simple and amusing ways to communicate with each other our intentions of intimacy for later in the evening. We also learned the value of surrounding ourselves with authentic friendships who we can be real with and allow them to shed light into our lives.

 

TALK ABOUT IT

What are your thoughts about having friendships close enough to shine Christ’s light into your dark places?

Can you name couples around you who provide life-giving, authentic friendship to you as a couple?

If not, what are some practical things you can do to foster those kinds of friendships?

 

 

Dale and Jayna DeMell have been married for 16 years and have three incredible children. Jayna has a passion for the arts and has energy that is unsurpassed, which works well in her role as Youth Pastor. Dale has a passion for the church, its people, and his family.