Do Not Deprive One Another

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

–1 Corinthians 7:5

God made sexual relations to be profoundly mutual in marriage; each gives, each receives, each feels the act as the consummation of a wider and deeper spiritual and personal union for which sex is only one of the capstones—but an important one. Each spouse is saying, “To you, and you only, do I give in this way. From you, and from you only, do I receive in this way.”

But couples seldom have the same level of interest and passion about sexual relations. And that relates to frequency, location, timing, methods, privacy, and kinds

of touch. No couple has the same comfort level with all these variables. Therefore, how do we live together sexually when desires in all (or some) of these areas are significantly different?

The key passage of Scripture where Paul addresses this directly is 1 Corinthians 7:3–5. The most obvious point in this passage is that Paul commends relatively frequent sexual relations: “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time . . . but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you.”

What is less obvious: Whose desires should govern how this act of sex happens?

Paul says, “Wife, accede to your husband’s desires.” And he says, “Husband, accede to your wife’s desires.” “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Cor. 7:4). So she gets to call the shots—and he gets to call the shots.

Now what do you do if the shots are not the same?

I don’t think Paul slipped up here and contradicted himself. Paul is not that kind of person, and he is guided by the Holy Spirit. I think he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew that he was dealing with one of the deepest, most complex, emotional moments in human life. Any simple formula will not fit reality for who gets to do what and when and where and how.

The reality is that in a Christian marriage, where the couple is growing in grace, they will figure this out along the lines of Romans 12:10: “Outdo one another in showing honor”—or outdo one another in showing grace or mercy or love or kindness or gentleness. This is the most wonderful kind of competition.

She will want to honor him by giving him what he desires. And he will want to honor her by giving her what she desires, which may be less of his desire. And they will pray, and they will talk, and they will struggle, and they will grow along the way.

TALK ABOUT IT

Take a few moments now (and schedule more time for later if needed) to discuss your desires for sex related to frequency, location, timing, methods, privacy, kinds of touch, and any other relevant aspects. Discover at least one way, if not several, that you can grow in trying to outdo one another in showing honor. (Engaged couples, you can skip this discussion for now!)