2 – The Secret Sauce – Part 1: Gratitude

By RAFAEL ANTONIO ROBERT

 

“TheLord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”” (Genesis 2:18)

Ok, ok, I know… Gratitude. It sounds cheesy and fluffy but just hear me out. There are tons of books and articles out there that talk about what couples should be doing and how they should be doing it. And they are great but it can be a lot to digest, let alone get right! Naturally, we all want to know the most important ingredients to a happy marriage. So what is the secret sauce for couples to make their everyday day lives rich and wonderfully happy for all of their years to come?

This is a question my wife and I have asked ourselves many times. And while our lives have changed dramatically over the years, there are a few key ingredients to the sauce that have remained the same. They are a big reason we are so happily married and why I am confident we will remain so no matter what life brings our way.

And the first of these ingredients is: gratitude.

Kelly and I are really different people. I’m from Puerto Rico, she’s from small town Minnesota. She’s amazingly organized and pro-active, I’m not. But I’m really good at adapting to any circumstance on the fly. She tends to evaluate things with healthy skepticism. She ‘keeps it real’ and I bring a healthy (ok, maybe unrealistic) optimism. In other important areas, however, we are aligned. Like our commitment to our relationship with God and our parenting principles. After 20 years of being together, we can see clearly how God so perfectly designed us to be better together. That leads us to a deep sense of gratitude for one another, which changes everything.

In Genesis 2:18, we get a little insight into God’s design for couples: “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” I like companionship and not being alone but I immediately notice those two other words: helper and suitable. Kelly and I were created to help each other and we are suitable partners. Our similarities and differences, when viewed in this light, are rich blessings from God that help us navigate life better… together.

We’ve sometimes seen couples struggling with their partner’s qualities or trying to change them. We’ve certainly been guilty of that. In fact, this is part of our human condition. As Genesis continues we see how Adam and Eve, who had everything they could possibly need from God and in each other, decided it was ‘not enough’. Far from living in gratitude, they decided to try and change things. To go after something more. And we see how that worked out for us all!

Living in, and expressing gratitude daily for all that God has given us and for my amazing, God-designed partner really impacts everything. It doesn’t mean that we think the other is perfect. An attitude of gratitude just leads me to appreciate, value and show value to my wife. That allows me to live happily in marriage instead of constantly longing or searching for more or something different, and it impacts my behavior towards my spouse.

Still think it’s fluff? Ok, consider a recent study at the University of Georgia that found expressing gratitude to our significant others was the most consistent and significant predictor of happy marriages. Co-author Ted Futris states “Feeling appreciated and believing that your spouse values you directly influences how you feel about your marriage, how committed you are to it, and your belief that it will last.”

You don’t just have to trust our experience! Take a moment every day to consider what you are thankful for, in life and in your marriage, and then be sure to express that gratitude as often as you can. This is one ingredient of the secret sauce that you can never have too much of!

 

TALK ABOUT IT

What are the qualities in your spouse that you are grateful for?

What are the areas that you’ve not always been grateful for and how could they be reframed to something positive?

Take the challenge! Make a list of the things you each are grateful for in your spouse and share them with each other.

 

 

Rafael and Kelly have been married 18 years and have two children. Kelly is a teacher at a small Christian pre-school and Rafa has a BA in Religion and an MA in Counseling and serves as director of Brightpeak’s Love & Money Project helping young Christian couples improve their relationships by improving their relationship with money. Both volunteer their time in various ministries at Wooddale Church in Eden Prairie, MN.