21 – Dishes & Grace

By WAYNE STENDER

 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Last night I was asked to do the dishes. My wife made lasagna for dinner, which usually has the same effect on me as Nyquil – it knocks me out.

But since I’ve been working on having a consistent presence in the lives of my children in the evenings, I decided to chase my kids after dinner, knowing I would eventually get to the dishes after a quick tickle fight and two times through Good Night Moon. But I failed. Instead of an evening of dad wrestling, the kids treated me to my pick of a movie. I think they must have gotten their negotiating skills from me.

When I woke up at 2:30am – did I mention I failed? – there was a puddle of drool on my stomach from my 3 year-old. Our 9 year-old was overhead, dangling from our sofa, threatening to roll over my neck. I slowly stood with the parent-like-precision I have gained in 9 years of tip-toeing around, trying hard not to wake anyone.

I was ashamed when I walked into the kitchen – it was spotless.

With my tail between my legs, I crept up the stairs to the den – that’s what I call our bedroom when I think I’ve upset Mama Bear. The creaking was a companion that I was more interested in engaging as I crossed the threshold of our bedroom into a cold, dark encounter with my wife.

I didn’t even crack the crease of the sheets as I gently pulled my wife’s shoulder to let her know I was there. She pulled back the blanket and welcomed me into the warmth. My apology rolled freely. It’s been a practiced word from my lips over our 11 years of marriage. My wife woke up, looked me in the eyes, and said, “I forgive you. You put in a lot of hours for us this week.” She has such grace.

Grace is not a spiritual gift, it is something forged in good times. It comes when lovers lock eyes and make a commitment to keep things going. There is often joy and hope in those moments. Strong marriages shift those moments from self to team. The relationship stops being about pleasure and starts being about companionship. It’s a move to unify rather than deify.

There is a tendency to think our spouse should be perfect. It often comes from a habit of seeing them as a god. But it is Jesus who uses my wife to teach me things like, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) Jesus is the perfect one who, through my spouse, grows my spiritual formation. She sees me as someone to do life with, not someone who should measure up to some perfect standard. Her grace and forgiveness call out the same from me and inspire me to be better.

 

TALK ABOUT IT

How has God used your spouse to grow you spiritually?

Share about a time your spouse showed you undeserved grace.

What are some real ways that you can practice giving grace to your spouse?

 

 

Wayne and Nancy Stender keep busy at home as they tickle-fight their 6 young kids. They both also invest into the lives of over 200 teenagers who attend Hillcrest Academy, a Christian boarding school where Wayne serves as Journalism Professor and Marketing Director.