Just Forgive And Forbear?

If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.

–Galatians 6:1

Marriage should not be—and God willing, need not be—a static stretch of time inhabited by changeless personalities in durable conflict. Even that is better than divorce in God’s eyes, and has a glory of its own. But it is not the best picture of Christ and the church.

So God gives grace not only to forgive and to forbear, but also to be transformed so that less forgiving and forbearing are needed. Grace is not just power to return good for evil, but also power to do less evil. Even power to be less bothersome.

And sometimes, in order to be transformed, we need to be confronted.

In Christ’s relationship to the church, he is clearly seeking the transformation of his bride into something morally and spiritually beautiful (Eph. 5:26–27). This implies that the husband, who is to love like Christ, bears a unique responsibility for the moral and spiritual growth of his wife—which will sometimes require confrontation. If a husband is loving and wise, however, this will feel to a humble wife like she is being served, not humiliated. Christ died to purify his bride. Moreover, he goes on speaking to her in his word with a view to applying his sacrifice to her for her transformation. Thus, the wise and loving husband seeks to speak in a way that brings his wife more and more into conformity to Christ.

Similarly, wives are not only submissive wives but also loving sisters. There is a unique way for a submissive wife to be a caring sister—and at times a confronting sister—toward her imperfect brother-husband as she seeks his transformation. She will, from time to time, follow Galatians 6:1 in his case: “If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”

Both husband and wife will also obey Matthew 18:15 as necessary, and will do so in the unique demeanor and context called for by headship and submission: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”

Forgiveness and forbearance are the solid foundation on which the call for change can be heard with hope and security rather than fear and a sense of being threatened. Only when a wife or husband feels that the other is totally committed to them—even if he or she doesn’t change—can the call for change feel like grace rather than an ultimatum.

So from these and other observations that could be made from the New Testament, I hope it is clear that marriage is not merely forgiving and forbearing. It is also confronting—in loving and wise ways formed by the calling of headship and submission.

TALK ABOUT IT

When was the last time one of you confronted the other in love? Settle it now: you each want to be graciously but clearly confronted when you are on a destructive path— don’t you?

And who better to do that than your spouse? Each of you give your spouse an open invitation to speak words of truth into your life. Then, in the future, remind each other of that invitation when you get defensive.