Should My Spouse Talk To Others About Our Marriage Struggles?

Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.

–Matthew 7:12

Should spouses talk outside the marriage about problems within the marriage? There are, after all, more or less frequent disappointments in every life, and every marriage faces the normal hardships of getting along when expectations are different. I am not talking here about serious circumstances such as illegal behaviors or life-threatening situations, but common disappointments and challenges. Here are some guidelines.

1) Follow Matthew 18:15, which says that if you find your brother or sister sinning against you or taking a fall, you go to them first. In other words, there is a real effort not to gossip—a real effort not to tell anybody else what you have just seen or found in a person. If this is to apply in the church generally, how much more among spouses? Always start there.

2) The words of Jesus that we do unto others what we would have them do unto us are profoundly significant in marriage (Matt. 7:12). Paul amazingly takes that command and applies it to a husband’s love for his wife: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Eph. 5:28). It is like “love your neighbor as yourself ” (Matt. 19:19) applied to husbands as your own bodies. “He who loves his wife loves himself ” (Eph. 5:28).

So Paul draws out the implication not only that we should measure our words and our actions by whether we would want our wives or husbands to treat us that way, but also that, when we treat each other that way, we are really blessing ourselves. We are doing something really good for ourselves not to betray each other’s trust.

3) Husbands and wives should observe the biblical principles of reverence and honor. Specifically, because of Ephesians 5:33, wives should think carefully about whether what they say to or about their husbands, in public

or in private, is honoring or respectful: “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects [or reveres] her husband.” Similarly, because of 1 Peter 3:7, husbands should think carefully about whether what they say to or about their wives, in public or in private, honors them as a fellow heir of the grace of life: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

4) We should at times seek permission from our spouses to share the problems of our marriage with one or two very trusted couples or friends that both of us agree on. This point has been so important for my wife and me. We have walked and talked through this numerous times. Often I have asked, “May I share what we talk about with a close friend? May I share what is so frustrating? May I share anything in our relationship that I think would enable him to help me love you better?” That is so different than gossip and venting.

5) Even if you have permission to share specific family issues, you should do it with the greatest of care. Such conversations easily degenerate into simply pouring out our frustrations. A wise friend will call us out on that. We also should ask ourselves whether we are sharing the right amount of detail. Is it too much? It could get very unseemly. Are we sharing in the right tone? Are we using a communication medium that is sufficiently private?

And of course, I am assuming that all of this dialogue will be in a context of praying for and with our spouses and reading Scripture with our spouses so that we seek help from God who alone can keep us married and bring this relationship to a God-honoring, satisfying situation.

Some of these lessons I have had to learn in a very hard way. So I want to encourage you that, if some breach of trust has happened, there is a way forward. There can be repentance and forgiveness. I know that from personal experience.