29 – Money Matters

By PATEI IYEGHA

 

“Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” (Philippians 2:2)

Most people have probably heard Genesis 2:24 “…a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” during a wedding ceremony or two (or ten). I dare say it has almost become cliché. However, it is actually a very important concept to understand in marriage. Whether it is regarding parenting, sex, how to spend your free time, or communication in general, it is critical that couples be on the same page.

Finances are no different. It is just as important that couples are in sync financially as they are with other aspects of their lives. In fact, some may argue that money might be the most important aspect. Dave Ramsey frequently reminds listeners of his radio show that money problems and money fights are the leading cause of divorce in America. In light of that knowledge, one could consider it critical to the health of your marriage.

My wife and I were broke when we got married. We also weren’t great at budgeting and we had the stresses of new parenthood, while also juggling work and school. The setting was a perfect recipe for financial strife. However, we were blessed to have a relatively easy time aligning our thoughts and behaviors around money. We were on the same page: We don’t have any money so don’t spend any! We agreed very early to a simple rule that still applies today: if either of us is going to spend more than $100 on an item, we have to talk to the other person first. The specifics of the rule probably didn’t matter as much as what the existence of the rule represented. We were in this together and neither of us considered the rule to be an intolerable breach of our autonomy.

We aren’t perfect at it by any means. Just recently I “got in trouble” for making a charitable donation much greater than our agreed upon limit. I was at an event where I was caught up in the moment and felt it was a good cause, yet after I did it I felt guilty. It was not a mystery as to why. It wasn’t that we couldn’t afford it, but I had violated a rule that has been in place for over 12 years! Afterwards we talked about it and I apologized and resolved to do better. Of course, no person or couple is perfect and we are all a constant work in progress. We don’t give up and we keep moving forward, together.

It is important to remember that ownership of the finances is equal in marriage, no matter who is the actual breadwinner. My wife and I are blessed to be in a financial position that allows her to stay home with our brood of children. She does not generate an income, however that does not diminish her ownership one bit! I believe this understanding is the key to getting on the same page; acknowledge that it is not you and me or yours and mine … it’s US. It’s OURS. After all, that is what God intended for your marriage – to become one in mind, body, and spirit. If you grasp and embrace that concept then you’ve done most of the work to getting on the same page. All that remains are tools to make sure you stay on track. Things like shared bank accounts, monthly budget meetings where each of you has input, and mandatory communication regarding large purchases (you define what’s large!) all can help you keep the focus on US and OURS.

 

TALK ABOUT IT

Can you recall situations where you fought about finances because you and your spouse were not on the same page?

Do you and your spouse have any specific rules about spending? Do they make you feel united around your finances? Or do they make you feel restricted or divided?

What are some simple changes you can make today that can get you and your spouse on the same page?

 

 

Patei and Andrea Iyegha live in St. Anthony with their 5 (almost 6) kids. Patei is a Trauma Surgeon at Regions Hospital in St. Paul. Andrea is happy to be a fulltime wife and mom.