4 – No Comprende?

By JOY BALLARD

 

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” (1 Peter 3:8)

Marriage is the weaving of two different worlds under the same roof. It is both romantic and explosive; two lives complementing each other like a perfect dance, while at the same time awkwardly juggling each other’s personalities, needs, family and cultural backgrounds–as if male and female differences weren’t enough! In other words, marriage is nothing short of a miracle, and the fact that it is possible to enjoy a thriving, happy marriage until death do us part is testament to God’s love for us!

Some of our differences are obvious, for example, I grew up in the enormous metropolis of Mexico City, while my husband was raised in the beautiful small city of Duluth, Minnesota. You can imagine some of my newlywed thoughts: What do you mean you don’t like cilantro? What in the world is broomball and why would anyone do that? For the record, I did polar plunge with him when we were dating and I consider that to be my life contribution to winter outdoor activities.

Other differences may take years to discover and understand, such as our approach to conflict or parenting that has been formed by decades of life experience. We probably all enter marriage aware of some of our differences but undoubtedly we will encounter things about each other that take us by surprise or end up becoming irritating over time. My husband used to think my occasional absentmindedness was funny–cute even! It’s not as hilarious these days. Our personal habits or perspectives were never an issue, until we bumped up against each other’s perspective and discovered we think differently. Then we are faced with the choice to either stubbornly stick to our way or try to understand and see through our spouse’s eyes.

Whether you grew up in different countries or just different families, understanding where you both come from is so important. There are three things that have helped Andrew and me to understand some of the reasons behind our differences and allowed us to weave our worlds together in a healthy way.

First of all, laugh. If the difference is really not that important in the grand scheme of things, even if it is irritating, laugh. It’s funny. Like the kitchen towel I can’t ever find because a certain someone never puts it back in its place. After 8 years of marriage, I swear he does it on purpose. These are the little stories that add flavor to the monotony of our lives.

The second thing is a wise principle we have learned: seek to understand before being understood. Before assuming that our spouse is purposefully trying to make our life difficult, we now say, “Help me understand…” This often helps us avoid what would have easily turned into a conflict in the past, simply by giving each other a chance to explain. Another way our marriage has been dramatically impacted has been through learning about each other’s personality profiles and strengths. Things like Meyers-Briggs personality tests have added deep layers of understanding and appreciation for the unique way God made us and how we can best work together.

Lastly, pray for each other. There will be times when we are not on the same page. Perhaps there is something about our relationship or spouse that concerns us but they don’t seem to care. In those times we need to remember that the God who brought us together loves our spouse more than we do and rather than arguing endlessly about it, we can turn to our faithful Father with our concerns and trust Him to work in our marriage.

The Bible tells us that as God’s children, we have the freedom to give him our cares (1 Peter 5:7), to present our requests to him in every situation, and receive his inexplicable peace in return (Philippians 4:6-7). We have a lifelong journey ahead of us to discover life and grow together and creating the habit of loving our spouse through making the effort to understand them will help us avoid many detours along the way.

 

TALK ABOUT IT

What are some of the biggest differences in your upbringing and life experiences?

Have you encountered, or can you predict, some areas of difference in perspective that could cause conflict?

What current little differences can you be more light-hearted about? How can you turn these into something to laugh about?

 

 

Joy and Andrew Ballard love life in the Twin Cities with their three young children and have dedicated the last 5 years of their life to marriage ministry in their local church. They are passionate about inspiring life-giving community among marriages and seeing couples thrive.