4 Reasons Why He Doesn’t Want To Have Sex (What Every Wife Needs To Know)

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

“Sex is not only a physical happening. Body, soul, and spirit permanently interfuse.” – Jo Berry, Beloved Unbeliever –

1 – Boredom

Most couples think that sex should be spontaneous. It should be happening at any time of the day or night and in many places as possible! For them, sex means adventure, fun, and excitement! These couples have a very healthy sex-life, they enjoy each other a lot and never run out of fun ideas to “spice things up”!

But, when it comes to sticking to a routine or a schedule, when sex must be planned and controlled, it is not as enjoyable, especially for a man. Things in the bedroom can become plain and boring very quickly. The marital bed is supposed to be a place where “the magic happens”! If a man does not want to have sex with his wife, because he is bored and needs something new or different, he must express it to his wife instead of avoiding or ignoring intimacy altogether. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

Sometimes, the wife does not know that her husband is bored with her. She might think that because her husband reaches climax every time, he is satisfied. She doesn’t see the need to do things differently, because he seems content. But after a time, sex will become “just the routine”. Little by little, the husband will lose his sex-drive and will stop initiating sex with his wife. Honest communication must take place so the couple can work together to revive the passion and reconnect sexually. They must talk about their desires, their dreams, and how they can mutually agree on changing their habits a little bit. The change doesn’t need to be right away; the couple can take one step at a time, figuring out what needs to be improved or explored… As they navigate together through new, exciting ideas, taking that first step will lead them to a more satisfying sex-life. Couples can enjoy themselves, have fun together, do whatever they want as long as they respect each other.

Perhaps, the husband would like to try something he’s been desiring for a while but is afraid to ask his wife. Or he asked but his wife rejected the idea without even trying. Or she says no all the time and that really is discouraging for him. When that happens they need to talk about it.… Sexuality in marriage is supposed to be a safe place. It is okay to explore unknown territories and enjoy new things together. And if for some reason they don’t like it or don’t feel comfortable about certain things, that’s okay! There are so many other fun things couples can do to have a little adventure together without being too extreme. (For ideas, visit: 10 Ways to Be More Adventurous in Bed by Sheila Wray Gregoire.) Getting out of their comfort zone to please their spouse is a risk to take. Who knows, they might even discover a new favorite game, trick, or position!

So, if boredom is the issue that keeps a man from being intimate with his wife, communication would be the best option to fix the problem. I believe most wives love to please their husband and are willing to at least try a few new things to have their husband excited about sex again! It would be such a pity to completely close the door to the beauty of intimacy because of boredom. The couple needs this intimate connection to keep their marriage healthy! Why not make it more fun?

2 – Pornography

When a man is not interested in having sex with his wife, it could indicate he has transferred his sexual desires elsewhere. When a husband struggles with pornography, often his libido gets affected because it consumes more and more of his sexual energy. His desires and focus are redirected towards all the pornographic images his brain has recorded which make him not turned on by his wife or satisfied with her anymore. Because his brain has been trained (rewired) to get excited by pornographic images, he becomes aroused by these images and not his wife. As a result, he becomes uninterested in his wife; he doesn’t take pleasure in being with her; she is no longer enough. “Porn wreaks so much havoc with our expectations and with our libido, so that we’re no longer able to take pleasure in being together.” – Sheila Wray Gregoire –

Roughly 55% to 70% of men, and 30% to 40% of women under age 40 reported viewing pornography in a given year. 64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women view pornography at least once a month. Pornography kills love and robs couples of the sacred intimacy God intended them to have together! “Pornography is a hellish mockery of a heavenly reality.” – Christopher West – Addiction to pornography is a contributor to separation and divorce. Husbands (and wives) who struggle with it must seek help before it takes over his or her life and destroys their marriage. (See our post on Pornography In Marriage.)

The Bible tells us that we must “flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18) Not only does the person sin against his or her own body while consuming pornography, but also sin against their spouse. They desecrate their body, the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19) which is supposed to belong to their spouse. (1 Corinthians 7:4) Because the husband is so drawn to his addiction, he is depriving his wife of what is rightfully hers. “Then glorify God in your body by not withholding what God says is rightfully your spouse’s.” – Matt Jacobson –

Pornography is a serious problem that wrecks marriages. Spouses must not ignore this disease and must be willing to work towards healing and restoration by seeking help. It is never too late to break free and claim back the joy of intimacy that is being stolen from them by pornography!

3 – A neglecting wife

Most of the time, husbands have a higher sex drive than their wives, and sometimes, wives complain about it and try to control it by avoiding it or deciding unilaterally when it should happen. If sex happens only when the wife decides to, her husband will feel like a “sex machine”. This is not very appealing to him; no one likes to feel used! When the wife is not interested and pushes her husband’s advances away, she is ignoring his needs. When the husband asks for sex and gets rejected every time, he’ll be less inclined to initiate sex, because he’ll be afraid of rejection. This feeling of rejection will cause him to lose his desire for his wife, because he does not feel loved and desired by her. Over time, sexual rejection feels like personal rejection, and he will completely withdraw from intimacy. “It is devastating to be judged, ignored, or rejected by a spouse when expressing a sexual need. When you reject your spouse’s sexual needs, you are also rejecting them.” – Jimmy Evans –

A wife who always complains about her husband’s performance is also a reason for him to shut down sexually. It causes him anxiety, and he fears to initiate sex. He is feeling like he is not good enough and that he can’t make his wife happy. This is very hard for a man to digest. Criticizing his performance, humiliating him, or comparing him to other relationships does not grow intimacy. In marriage, spouses should always lift each other up and encourage one another. Judging, comparing, and complaining about one’s husband can result in him feeling ashamed of himself and extremely insecure in his masculinity.

Spouses must be mindful of each other and feel free to express their feelings and needs without fearing judgment or rejection. Once again, communication is key! Both must talk about the issue and learn to compromise, sacrifice to meet each other’s needs. “You don’t have love without sacrifice; you can’t have sacrifice without love.” – Karen Kingsbury –

A wife is the only person who can meet her husband’s sexual needs. It is important she is attentive to his needs and makes them a priority. “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3) Even if she is not “in the mood”, she won’t regret it when she says yes!

When a man is constantly being rejected by his wife, he will be tempted to seek validation in other places. This is where it becomes dangerous, because it will lead him to have an affair with another woman. When people are hurt, they do stupid things that end up with devastating consequences. Unfortunately, this pattern is seen in too many marriages, Christian ones included. When there are no efforts made to connect or show love the way one’s spouse needs it, they will fall out of love and look for love elsewhere. No one should come to this point in their marriage. This is why spouses must be attentive to each other’s needs.

4 – Sexual dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction: (When a man can’t get or keep an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse.) This is something that could really affect a man personally. It can cause him a lot of stress and anxiety as well as low self-confidence. Because he is so anxious about maintaining an erection, he refuses to have sex with his wife for fear of failing. Erectile dysfunction is unfortunately something that a man can’t control. This can be very frustrating for a couple to go through. The husband feels useless, he is ashamed of himself and experiences a lot of guilt. It causes him to be depressed and to withdraw from sex even more.

Sometimes, low testosterone is the cause of the problem and can easily be treated by a doctor. (Of course, there may be other medical or psychological causes. In any case, seeking professional advice is always recommended.) When it comes to intimacy concerns, men are often ashamed to seek help, however they need to realize they are not the only ones affected by his problem. When sexual intimacy is absent, both spouses suffer from it. It is difficult for both spouses!

Now, as a couple, they should not feel defeated nor assume it is always going to be this way. Instead, they should explore help or treatment together. The wife must encourage her husband and help him the best she can to find a solution. And remember, a man does not necessarily need his penis to make love to his wife! God gifted him with other interesting body parts like the lips, tongue, and hands… (Song of Solomon 6:3, 4:11, 7:9) He just needs a little creativity!

In the meantime, even though sex is a big part of marriage, the couple’s relationship is not based only on sex. Bonding in other ways is very important while going through such a season. Showing affection and practicing non-sexual physical touch with each other is a great way to nurture emotional intimacy and keep the relationship strong.

Premature ejaculation: (Orgasm and emission of semen occurring just before or shortly after beginning sexual intercourse.) Premature ejaculation is more common than we think. According to the Mayo Clinic, between 30% to 40% of men have it at some time in their life. This is an issue most newlyweds experience, but it can happen at any stage of life. When it happens, it can be very frustrating and embarrassing. Especially for a young couple who are new to sex. When the husband is having a hard time controlling himself, he gets anxious about it. It can cause him to avoid intimacy with his wife for fear of disappointing her or himself.

Because women can control their orgasms, they assume it is the same for men and they can accuse their husband of being selfish. “Premature ejaculation has more to do with lacking the ability to control ejaculation than it does with selfishness” – Kevin Leman – They, in fact, need some training to get better at controlling it. The couple must not be discouraged as it can be fixed with patience and some practice. Many techniques have been proven successful like the stop-start method or the squeeze technique. The couple will have to experiment and practice to finally gain control and become experts in the art of lovemaking! The husband needs his wife’s full participation and support. With her help, they can overcome this issue and enjoy a very satisfying sex life together.

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