4 Reasons Why She Doesn’t Want To Have Sex

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

“But just because sex is beautiful, natural, and God given doesn’t mean it’s easy.” – Sheila Wray Gregoire –

1 – Body image

Some women have a hard time accepting their bodies the way they are. They are very self-conscious and focus on every little imperfection they see. They think they’ve got to have the body of a model to feel sexy and to be attractive to their husband. That is what society advertises everywhere and wants us to believe. Even though physical appearance is very important for a woman, to feel confident and beautiful, their husband should reassure them and tell them they are attracted to them. That they are indeed beautiful and that they desire them no matter the size and shape of their body. Women wrongly think that men are only attracted to their physical appearance and that they need a “perfect woman” to be aroused.

Yes, men are visual and like to watch their wives naked, but they do not focus on their flaws! On the contrary, they see beautiful curves they want to touch and kiss; they see vulnerability; they see a gorgeous wife they love and desire! The woman they married is their perfect woman! (Song of Songs 4:1-7) Women are the ones who make it a big deal. They are sometimes so obsessed with their physical imperfections that they miss the physical, emotional, and spiritual parts of intimacy with their husbands. They are ashamed of their changing bodies and because they are too focused on it, they miss out on opportunities to be sexually intimate with their husband by refusing to be intimate at all. This is wrong because it creates frustration in the marriage and Satan will take this moment of weakness to cause division; he will try everything he can to separate the spouses from each other and God. “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5)

The deliberate lack or absence of sexual intimacy from a wife opens the door to her husband feeling rejection, frustration, anger, resentment which can lead to sin. Indeed, a husband who is suffering from his wife’s constant rejection would be subject to more temptations. So, it is essential to protect our marriage, and our spouse, and talk about what bothers us. Women do not understand the importance of sex for a man; it is an important love language for them! Depriving a husband of sex, turning him down, and pushing him away all the time is like punishment to him. He will feel disconnected from his wife and distance himself from her. This is not God’s design for marriage!

Yes, men are physical, but they don’t want to just have sex for the sake of sex; they want to make love because sex is something so much deeper than physical pleasure. Making love is about the extraordinary spiritual closeness that joins the spouses in complete unity. It creates this special bond between the spouses. It feeds their soul. Making love is about being emotionally and spiritually present, it is saying: “I love you” not only with our bodies but with our hearts too. Men crave this emotional connection as much as women do.

So, if a husband thinks (and tells) that his wife is sexy and attractive, she should believe him; his words are the ones that matter most! His wife should make every effort to get out of her comfort zone and be sexual with her husband. Maybe remove a layer of clothes, turn a soft light on or lit a candle instead of being in the complete dark; practice being naked more in front of her husband, or wear cute lingerie… This is an issue women can overcome by focusing more on their husbands’ needs and less on themselves. Learn to love themselves and not be ashamed of who they are. Know and appreciate the gift that they are to their husbands! There is no place for shame in a marriage. “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2:25)

2 – Fatigue / Exhaustion

For women, fatigue or exhaustion is very real. When women are tired, all they think about is to go to bed and sleep! They are so worn out that they do not have the desire or energy to engage in intimate relations with their husbands. Because they are exhausted, sex is not at the top of their priority list and often falls to the bottom. Women suffer from stress, anxiety, and strain because of too much housework and children responsibilities. If husbands helped out more, their wives would have more energy and be more willing to joyfully join them in the bedroom! An overload of household chores can easily dampen the desire for romance and intimacy, helping around the house proclaims love and appreciation. It communicates something deep that a wife will appreciate immensely. A husband who helps his wife is very sexy and desirable; it is proof he loves her and does not take her for granted, this is very attractive for a woman! “Good sex is an all-day affair. You can’t treat your wife like a servant and expect her to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your wife’s sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids’ homework, or that leaky faucet that drips throughout the night.” – Dr. Kevin Leman –

If exhaustion is the cause of the problem and takes away sexual intimacy, the couple needs to find a solution quickly, because a sexless marriage is a dangerous place to be for both the husband and the wife. Scheduling “sex dates” is a great way to make sex a priority again. Choosing a time where both spouses have energy is very wise; it maybe in the morning or in the shower. Going on romantic dates to revive the romance and enjoy a chore-free, children-free time is a perfect opportunity to get away and relax when weary or caught in a routine.

So an overwhelmed, tired wife results in a mediocre sex life. Her husband can definitely play a major role in resolving this by being more involved. Housework and children responsibilities are not tasks meant only for women; men are very capable too. “Marriage is not a place where people shrink into roles but a place where both people become everything that is better about them.” – Lisa Bevere – Because marriage is about teamwork and serving each other (Galatians 5:13), jumping in and helping in this area is a way to serve; it is saying: “I notice you, I love you, and I share your burden because I want the best for you.” Sharing chores and children responsibilities will definitely improve the quality and the quantity of the couple’s sex life.

3 – Not feeling emotionally safe

To fully give herself to her husband sexually, a woman needs to feel completely safe. Her husband must provide this safe environment for her in order to have a fully engaged wife and a satisfying sex life. He must also be understanding and patient. Women think a lot and unfortunately, they do not stop thinking during sex. Everything that is going on in their head affects the quality of the intimacy they have with their husband. “If our heads aren’t engaged, our bodies won’t follow.” – Sheila Wray Gregoire, The Good Girls’ Guide to Great Sex – If a woman thinks too much, her mind will wander around. She will feel anxious, tense, and won’t be able to relax. She won’t be in the moment. She may have sex physically, but she won’t be connecting emotionally and spiritually with her husband. This is not how intimacy is supposed to be like!

What are some reasons a woman might pull back from sexual intimacy? Perhaps she does not feel comfortable doing certain things that her husband keeps insisting on doing. “If something does not feel good, tell your husband, don’t just endure it.” – Sheila Wray Gregoire – Perhaps she feels dirty because of painful memories, trauma or abuse from her past with other men; she is associating sex with pain and can’t connect with her husband. Or she found out her husband is watching porn, and it makes her feel awful and betrayed. No matter what the reasons are, she is not feeling emotionally safe and therefore can’t give herself to sexual intimacy.

Sex is not easy, especially if there is a blockage; everything can’t just disappear like that. This blockage will become very frustrating for the wife as well as for the husband. This is why it is so important to talk about it as a couple. When a woman has a blockage somewhere in her heart and mind, it affects her entire being. Often, the husband blames the problem on his wife. She is the one who should change because she is the one with the problems. However, since marriage is about both spouses, not just one, her problems become his problems because they affect them both. Together, they will need to communicate and work on fixing these issues, starting over and rebuilding their intimacy.

Couples should be able to honestly talk about sex; it is a big part of their married life after all! Sex should be fun, pleasurable, and enjoyable for both spouses; no one should suffer because of it. If sex puts too much pressure on one spouse and creates anxiety, this is not healthy. Sex should not be something that makes one feel degraded, uncomfortable or forced. It must always be done willingly. Even though husbands and wives should be attentive to their spouse’s desires, sometimes one might not be ready and that is okay! Sex is so much more than just the physical. It is about relationship, it is about emotional, heart connection; it is about unselfishness and mutual enjoyment. It is about love and respect… To make his wife feel emotionally safe, her husband needs to focus on what she likes, what she is comfortable with. He must respect her boundaries. Together in agreement, they will learn to compromise and discover different ways for the both of them to comfortably enjoy sex. The more a woman feels safe and valued, the more she will be willing to move out of her comfort zone. The more she feels forced, the more she will close herself off and lose all desire for her husband. “Sex is all that it can and should be only when it is surrounded by and wrapped in love.” – Dr. Kevin Leman – Everything must be done in love!

God intended marriage to be enjoyed not endured. Great sex is the result of good communication, and feeling emotionally safe, valued, and loved. With prayer, effort from both spouses, love, and patience, intimacy can be restored and the couple can enjoy the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy intended by God. (Proverbs 5:18-19)

4 – An absent husband

A woman feels loved when her husband constantly pursues her throughout the day. If a husband does not show he cares for his wife, ignores her needs, and does not connect with her, and then groans about her not wanting to have sex with him, there is no doubt why she refuses him! “If you want to improve your sex life as a couple, you need to examine your relationship outside the bedroom. What are you doing that is keeping you from sexual intimacy?” – Kevin Leman – A woman needs emotional connection with her husband. She needs to feel close to him emotionally to be able to give herself to him sexually. If her husband is distant, too busy, and does not give time to connect with his wife, she will push him away and reject his requests. He must make her a priority and give him the best of himself before thinking of having sex with her! “Give your spouse your best; not your leftovers.” – Dave Willis –

Husbands need to work on this more than they think. It is very important that they learn that emotional connection is what keeps their wives engaged. Husbands should love their wives the way they deserve and if they want fireworks in the bedroom, they need to start the fire outside the bedroom! According to Dr. Kevin Leman, “sex begins in the kitchen!” So, husbands, take this seriously, because it is so very true! It’s not that husbands “earn it” if they wash the dishes, but when they do, women translate this involvement as proof of their husband’s love for them. It makes wives want sex more! When husbands focus their attention on their wives, they give them the best of gifts! “The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It’s focus attention.” – Rick Warren –

Some husbands are married to their job or their hobbies. They do not make their wives a priority, but they expect them to be sexually available to them at a moment’s notice. It does not work that way! “Women are not for using. Women are for loving.” – Dr. Kevin Leman, Sex Begins in the Kitchen –

Growing their marriage is the most important responsibility a couple has. An attentive husband who listens to his wife, who genuinely cares for her, serves her, and loves her, will find in her an amazing lover waiting and ready to please him. A woman who feels loved will be available to her husband at any time! But there has to be emotional bonding first. “Why should we make love?” If the husband is honest, he will answer with something to the effect that making love relieves his sexual craving. But the answer of most wives is very different. She will say that sex helps her feel closer to her husband. For her, it is all about intimacy and emotional bonding.” – Willard F. Harley Jr., His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage –

Emotional intimacy is an essential prerequisite for romantic connection and deep sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is an expression of the care a couple have for each other in other areas of life. To connect sexually, both husband and wife need to feed their emotional and spiritual connection. When the spouses genuinely love and care for one another sexually, emotionally, and spiritually, everything will fall into place and they will thrive in every area of their marriage.

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