Marital Intimacy Is More Than Sex

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly.

–1 Peter 4:8

1. Spiritual Intimacy

This is the hub from which all other intimacy types emerge. If spiritual intimacy is high, the other types of intimacy will have some natural resiliency. Spiritual intimacy comes from being in God’s word together, praying for one another, and worshiping together. The word of God is the nourishment of our souls (Matt. 4:4; Deut. 8:3). When we are on the same spiritual diet, we can expect to grow in similar ways and therefore grow together—not separately.

2. Recreational Intimacy

This bond is created and strengthened by sharing recreational activities, from crosswords to hang-gliding. This sort of intimacy tends to be highest early in the relationship when both spouses are willing to try things outside their comfort zone just to be in each other’s presence. As presence becomes more the norm—and as life gets more complicated with jobs, kids, and more—opportunities for recreational activities plummet, and the cost can skyrocket. Nonetheless, God has made us to enjoy life’s activities—especially with our spouses (Eccles. 9:9)—and our marriages need the ability to laugh and play together if they are to endure the times of tears and toil.

3. Intellectual Intimacy

Husbands and wives also connect by discussing shared topics of interest, whether casually or seriously. The cord of relationship is reinforced when you exercise mentally with your spouse. Movies, politics, cooking—any subject of shared interest is fair game.

Similar to recreational intimacy, intellectual intimacy tends to be at its highest at the beginning of a relationship. As time passes, husbands and wives often assume they know how their spouse thinks on nearly every issue. While they may often be right, it’s the details that matter, and there is almost always some new angle to explore. The rewards are well worth it.

4. Physical Intimacy

This is what “intimacy” means to many people, but the subject here is not just sex. A hug, cuddling on the couch, and holding hands definitely count. In fact, one of the biggest complaints for wives is that the husband can take any physical touch as a sign that she wants sexual intimacy, when sometimes she just needs to cuddle.

Of all the types of intimacy, this one pays the biggest dividends for men. Men typically feel the most connected when physical intimacy (and especially sexual physical intimacy) is highest. This is no surprise, as God instructs man to delight in these activities with his wife (Prov. 5:18–19).

5. Emotional Intimacy

Where intellectual intimacy discusses topics and is usually dominated by thoughts, emotional intimacy discusses experience and is usually dominated by feelings. Because men are typically more limited in their emotional vocabulary and less comfortable with emotionally laden speech than their wives, we can misunderstand our wives when they speak. We imagine she wants an exchange of ideas, when what she really wants is someone to identify with her feelings.

Regardless of any limitations, men are called to shepherd their wives’ hearts just as much as women are called to shepherd their husband’s sexuality. Emotional intimacy is generally where women feel most connected. There is a reason that the first thing the then-sinless Adam did when he first saw Eve was not get her into bed; instead, he uttered the world’s first love poem (Gen. 2:23).

Good Cycles and Bad

When men feel disconnected, they often try to get physical intimacy via the route of recreational intimacy (let’s do something fun together and maybe we will end up in bed). When women feel disconnected, they often try to get emotional intimacy via the route of intellectual intimacy (let’s talk about something and maybe we will end up sharing our feelings).

Here couples can easily find themselves in cycles of isolation, as they focus more on getting than on giving. This is where the Christian commitment to love one another, even when it hurts ( John 13:34–35; Gal. 5:13; 6:2; Eph. 4:2, 32; 1 Pet. 4:8–10), can help the couple move from cycles of isolation to cycles of intimacy as they lovingly put each other’s needs before their own.

Pursuing connection with one another helps ground us in the intimate love of the one in whom our connection is eternal and unfailing: God himself.

TALK ABOUT IT

Do you identify with the typical patterns of pursuing intimacy (men: recreational in pursuit of sexual; women: intellectual in pursuit of emotional)?

Discuss ways in which you feel loved, and ask how you can do a better job of communicating love to your spouse.