6 – Unpacking The Mystery

By ANDREA IYEGHA

 

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7)

Early in a relationship we are most often drawn to our partner’s similarities. However, we also eventually discover the striking differences that sometimes make it impossible to imagine how we could still get along when we see things so differently. Certainly Jesus appreciates our unique characteristics and needs, and according to Romans 15:7 each of us should also “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

I’ve been married for 12 years, and my husband – this person I am closer to than any other – is still somewhat of a mystery to me. At times this can be frustrating but overall it’s mostly fun, and it is certainly a worthwhile challenge to continue trying to figure him out. One of our biggest differences is that he is an introvert and I am an extrovert. For a long time I felt rejected when he needed alone time to recharge; I thought “Why don’t you want to hang out with me? Like, all the time?!” It was hard for me to understand that he might just need some space without taking it personally. I have learned to respect this need, but I still don’t like it. I stay home with our kids and he works at a busy hospital, so when he is not working, he wants to lay low and I want to go out and see people! We have learned how to compromise on this but let me tell you – our expectations have to be communicated again and again to ensure we understand each other’s needs.

Another difference is that I like to process things externally. You can imagine that this can be tiring for my husband. He’s had to withstand some very long, emotional discussions and lengthy “I’m just processing this; hear me out” emails in our 16 years together. He’s gotten much better at it, but I don’t think he ever enjoys it. On the other hand, when I ask him “What are you thinking about?” he often finds the question invasive. He processes things internally and finds it difficult to share his feelings. It’s really hard for us to totally comprehend the other’s perspective but the more we talk about it, the better we understand the other person and the better we get at working through our differences.

Something interesting happens when you begin to communicate well and compromise. During the process of not only trying to get what you need, but also figuring out how to give what the other person needs, you’ll learn a lot about your spouse and yourself. For the last year or so my husband and I have been in a season of actively learning more about each other by participating in the marriage small groups at our church and intentionally reading marriage books (e.g. Wild at Heart and Fathered by God by John Eldredge and Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge) that help us better understand our differences.

Although we have our fair share of differences, of course my husband and I have many things in common, too. One binding truth we share is our desire to be better people, spouses, parents, and children of God. I feel blessed to walk alongside my spouse during this journey as we encourage each other to constantly learn and do more. And if we keep growing and changing we will always have a mystery to unpack, so the adventure continues!

 

TALK ABOUT IT

What are some things you appreciate about your spouse – especially if it is a difference between you two that you’ve been learning about or struggling with?

What are some of the similarities you both share that can help keep you grounded when faced with conflict or differences?

Make a conscious effort to learn to appreciate and not just accept each other’s differences.

 

 

Andrea and her husband, Patei, live in St. Anthony with their five (soon-to-be six) kids and a dog. Patei is a trauma surgeon and Andrea stays home with their kids. They have also started a clinic in a small village in Nigeria where Patei performs medical mission work several weeks a year.