Communication

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

Communication is crucial in a marriage; like the rudder of a boat, it determines in what direction the marriage is going. There are many ways to communicate with each other, but the most important and most obvious one is by talking to each other, constantly! We communicate to resolve conflicts, to share our feelings and information. We communicate to make plans, to love and to disagree… Unfortunately, communication is one of the areas couples struggle the most in. 

Do we have our priorities straight? Do we consider communication an essential part of our marriage? Do we understand its importance? Do we practice it enough? A healthy marriage is built on good, open and honest communication; it is one of the most vital structures of marriage. If there is good communication between the spouses, their marriage will bear good fruits. On the contrary, if it lacks communication, the fruits will be bad, or not as good. “You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, you will recognize them by their fruits.” (Matthew 7:16-20)

Yet, lots of people don’t know how to communicate. Maybe it comes from their past, how they grew up and what their family dynamic was. How they saw their own parents and family members communicate and interact with each other. How they resolved conflict and how they expressed love and affection… We tend to reproduce what we picked up from our parents, good or bad. Our background affects everything in our marriage, but it is not an excuse. It is in fact our responsibility to choose differently so we do not repeat the same mistakes our parents and family made. We need to re-learn how to communicate and create new pathways, new patterns. With practice, we’ll get better at it! We can become communication masters!

Our spouse is our best friend, our teammate, our most intimate partner. We should feel safe and free with them. Communication and openness should flow, sadly in many marriages that’s not the case. Why? Because we are afraid of judgment, we feel ashamed, scared to be vulnerable or even too proud. We hide behind walls and we keep everything inside, especially women, until the day everything explodes. Sometimes years of frustrations come out all at once because of a lack of communication. The pain and hardship are too great for the spouses to even want to restore their marriage, and its ends in a divorce that could have been avoided. 

A lack of communication precedes almost every problem that arises in a marriage. Our enemy Satan hates marriage and every couple will come under spiritual attack; it’s inevitable. “Those who marry will have trouble.” (1 Corinthians 7-28) Conflict will happen. Therefore, it is our responsibility to decide how we approach it and how we resolve it. Conflict is not a sign of a bad marriage. It is okay to disagree. It is actually healthy, but we must talk it through. Husband and wife are not enemies, but they will argue. They react differently to disappointments, frustrations and disagreement… Because they are simply different! So disagreeing is normal and natural. Let’s remind ourselves that we are not perfect; we live with another human who is nothing like us. We must communicate to understand each other and solve issues together. “To overcome conflicts, we need to talk through them.” – Jimmy Evans, MarriageToday –

Communication is progress; we need to talk but also listen. “There’s gonna be miscommunication at times, and when the miscommunication comes in, it’s not a sign that you married the wrong person, it’s an opportunity for you to draw closer by actively listening to them.” – Pastor Nate Ruch –

Men have difficulty with listening to their wives. They tend to reply right away. They want to fix, and they analyze before even listening. They seem to already know what their wives have to say, or they want to speak their thoughts immediately. “To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) Men want to fix the issue; women only want to talk about it. This is why wives don’t feel understood! And when they open up, they need all of their husband’s attention. Husbands should remove all distraction and listen attentively. If husbands don’t listen 100% and don’t take the matter seriously (even if it is not relevant to them), their wives will not come to them anymore because they don’t feel important. “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)

Often couples half-listen, and when asked a few days later, they don’t remember the conversation! Learning to listen takes time and practice on both parties. “It requires discipline, effort and intentionality.” – David Mathis – 

And it goes the same way with talking! Women have their responsibility too. They expect their husbands to read their mind! They think their husband should know what’s going on like they have this super power where they can guess what their wives are feeling or thinking. Women must tell their husbands what they want and need, because men really don’t have a clue. They are not wired that way! Women must learn to speak up, and sometimes know when to speak less! Both need to actively engage in conversations, be there for each other and agree to communicate to understand and respect their differences. Both should have the opportunity to be listened to and to speak in complete trust, with love and consideration for each other. 

“Growing up, my parents never argued in front of us kids, except for this one time where my mom locked herself in her bedroom crying. I was around 10 years old. I knocked at the door to console her and she yelled at me to go away. It shocked me! I felt rejected and helpless. I remember going to my room to cry under a blanket. I thought my parents did not love each other anymore and that it was the end of our family. In my marriage, I would repeat what I saw: in an argument with my husband, I would completely shut off and lock myself in the bathroom to cry. And I still do 11 years in! I know it is wrong but when I am hurt, I feel the need to protect myself and so I remove myself from the “threat”. I don’t want to talk or make eye contact with my husband, I refuse being in his presence and I hide in the bathroom. Communication does not come naturally for me and my inability to talk through the conflicts brought problems in our marriage. My husband tried to talk to me in the beginning, (he comes from an Italian family where everybody yells and speaks their mind. I come from a family where we don’t say anything and don’t dare to talk about our feelings or emotions). When he realized he could not get anything out of me because I wouldn’t talk, and that it got us nowhere, he gave up! I wish he didn’t. I am still trying to force myself to be vulnerable and find the courage to face the argument to resolve it. It is not easy and it often ends up in more argument and more of me crying and shutting off. My husband is very patient with me though. I just don’t know what to do!” – A.C. Myriam, 31 –

Do not hold it in! “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4: 26-27) It is not a good idea to avoid the problems in marriage. As painful and as awkward discussing our issues can be, doing so is the only way to work through them. It is hard to do, especially when we are deeply hurt. But one step at a time, we must practice communication to resolve conflicts so the enemy does not come in to do more damage. Marriage would be so much easier and happier with good communication, genuine forgiveness, honesty, patience and humility… Spouses should trust each other with their hearts. They should be able to be vulnerable and honest with each other and share anything so they can grow stronger together. 

We must never give up. We must fight for our marriage instead of fighting against each other!