Dating Your Spouse

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

Dating is a very important part of marriage. We should date our spouse! Because of the routine of life, couples often forget to date each other or neglect this essential aspect of their lives together. They don’t think it is necessary to date anymore because they take their relationship for granted. They don’t understand the need to pursue each other, and their marriage can suffer in the long run if dating is not prioritized enough.

Some couples can find difficult to take time to date each other. They are too busy or don’t have enough motivation or ideas. They feel overwhelmed or too tired. Some even feel trapped under a mountain of work and responsibilities… However, they need to work on prioritizing their relationship above everything else and make their spouse feel special and cared for. They must understand that marriage comes first and that it needs things like dating so they can keep focus on what’s important. Dating helps keep the connection between husband and wife, so they don’t become strangers in their own house.

Dating is exciting; it is fun! Dating makes you fall in love all over again!

 

Date at home

Some of us are blessed with family living close by. It is super nice to be able to leave the kids for a couple hours or even the whole weekend with a family member. And the best thing about it is that it is free! For others, having no family around to help out is very hard. People don’t realize how tough it is. In my case, with all our family living on another continent, I feel like I am drowning most of the time. There is no room to breathe, and we can rarely catch a break. Life is just harder. My girlfriends did not understand why I was so drained out all the time. I think the most difficult thing for me was to hear them brag about their romantic getaways, and their parents watching their kids for the weekends. How nice this must be!  

So what do you do when no one can watch the kids? There is the option of hiring a babysitter; but if we want to do something a little fancy, it can get expensive very quickly. We often return home guilty about having spent all this money on food, fun and a babysitter. But sometimes it is necessary, and it is okay! We can’t live for our kids only, we need to take care of us.

I have heard people recommend doing a “kid trade” with friends or neighbors: they watch our kids for a few hours and next time, we watch theirs. That is a great option, but we need to have close friends we trust and who are willing to trade. We can’t impose anything on anyone. Honestly, I am embarrassed to even dare to ask, it makes me very uncomfortable. But this idea could be very nice if we can make it work. I know a story about two mothers who did that every week, their kids became really good friends throughout the years and they ended up getting married. You never know what could happen doing simple things like this! This is great for parents, great for kids, and great for friendships.

Another option would be to date at home. It doesn’t sound amazing, I know! Sometimes, simple is better. The idea would be to put the kids to bed earlier than usual, then have dinner together. It could be a take out or a cooked meal. We just have to make this time special. We can pick flowers from the garden, light candles, put a nice tablecloth on the table. Take out the pretty china, open a nice bottle of wine, listen to some music and cuddle… We even can have a picnic on the floor next to the fireplace! With a little imagination, we can do anything really! It doesn’t matter what we do, how we do it or where we do it. After all, it’s about making time for each other and enjoying being just the two of us.

 

Free date

Dating our spouse does not necessarily have to involve fancy restaurants or spending money every time. There are simple things we can do that we both enjoy that are completely free: going on a walk holding hands, gardening or cooking together. Sipping tea on the front porch, visiting a free museum or touring open houses in the neighborhood just for fun. Massage sessions and warm baths are a great way to relax. We could eat a sandwich at the beach or even have breakfast in bed. We also could play games together… Here is one: play the rock paper, scissors game to decide who is bringing breakfast to bed! Outdoor activities are great too, like hiking or fishing… Just doing something we both enjoy and being in each other’s company is enough!

 

Shopping date 

Shopping dates can be a lot of fun! We can plan a time to go to a store we like, give each other a budget and go pick an item for ourselves, for each other or for the both of us. Something that stands outside the ordinary. It could be something small like a pair of earrings or a new electronic device. Or it could be something bigger like a piece of furniture or a pet… It’s fun and we go home with a joyful heart!

 

Take classes together

There are a lot of fun class opportunities out there for couples who want to enjoy themselves. Taking classes is a great way to connect with each other; it’s fun and memorable: dance classes, cooking classes, painting classes, fitness classes and so on… Depending on our introverted or extroverted side, we can meet each other in the middle and pick something that fits us both. Even getting out of our comfort zone could be interesting and might even bring us closer and connect us in a way we never connected before. I mean, if we don’t try, we will never know!

 

Surprise your spouse

A nice way to surprise our spouse is going to their workplace and have lunch together. We could send flowers or a love card once in a while. Wear new lingerie in bed if we are into that. Prepare a warm bath with essential oils and offer a relaxing massage. Buy or make a decadent dessert to enjoy together. Book a hotel room to enjoy a night out away from the kids. Also trying something new could be a great way to get out of the routine; new is exciting! It could be for example: going to the opera, going to see a stand up comedy, listening to jazz in a bar or go wine tasting… Spontaneity is very surprising too like deciding to take a flight somewhere out of the blue. Also, anniversaries and special dates should be celebrated. If we want to do something very special and we have the ability to spend the money, then we can think fancy restaurants and extravagant gifts, trips to France or a vacation in a nice resort… These are wonderful too though they require some planning! Again, we’ll have to use our imagination! If we really know our spouse, we’ll know how to surprise them.

 

What about sex?

Some marriage mentors and counselors recommend having “sex dates” and putting them on the calendar. Even though I don’t personally like this concept, it can work for couples who have difficulties finding time to connect with each other. Though it is not for everyone, it could be a great thing to look forward to during the week. I honestly think sex should be spontaneous, especially for people who have anxiety about it. For some, putting it on the calendar might put more pressure on them and instead of looking forward to it, it becomes a thing they are apprehensive about and won’t really enjoy. But for others, it helps them think about their spouse all week; they can plan and prepare for it… They can make this time so special and meaningful. So it really depends. It is a decision to make together, because sexuality is so different from one couple to another. Sex should not be a source of stress; sex should be fun! Be inventive, try something new once in awhile. It doesn’t have to be super sophisticated or complicated, just getting out of the routine could spice things up. We need to use our imagination. It could be very simple like joining our spouse in the shower, trying a new position or a new spot around the house. Using food, oils or lubricants, anything that sounds exciting that will make us want to do it again. Sex is fun!

 

Use your words

Words are so important when dating our spouse. Husband, tell your wife that she attracts you, that she is smart, beautiful and desirable. Wife, tell your husband that he is handsome, strong and how much you appreciate him… Talk about love! Say anything that is uplifting, positive, flattering, empowering… We need to remind ourselves how we fell in love with each other and how much we still love each other. Dating our spouse with our words is like poetry arising directly from the heart, a melody to the ears. It increases emotional intimacy and makes us feel good.

 

Write a love letter

Receiving a love letter from our spouse could mean so much more than spoken words. It may even mean more than a gift or a night out. Writing love letters is part of dating. It’s pouring our heart out. It’s taking the time to write to express love to our spouse. It is being vulnerable. A love letter brings so much to the person who receives it, especially if the one who writes it dislikes writing letters! It is a great way to show how much we love our spouse, how important they are to us… And we can keep a letter for life, letters are an invaluable treasure! But if a letter is really not our thing, another idea is writing a note or drawing something on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker. Or write a note on a post-it and stick it in the lunchbox or the computer bag… It may be a small thing but it means something huge!

I like to encourage couples to write on a piece of paper 10 things they like about their spouse and then read them to each other. It is a nice way to show how much we appreciate each other.

 

There are many ways to date our spouse. From simple to very big; from one to all of them, it really doesn’t matter as long as we make the effort to do something about it. Our marriage will thank us!