Forgiveness In Marriage

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

“Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.” – Gary Chapman –

As a married couple, having disagreements and arguments are a natural part of our life together. Conflicts are inevitable and this is why we must be prepared to face every one of them with love and understanding. We will hurt each other at times. It is not because we don’t love one another, but because we are two imperfect people who make mistakes. Our goal is not to hurt our spouse but when we do, we must be ready to repent and forgive one another. 

Forgiveness is an important part of our marriage because forgiving is loving. “If we really want to love, we must first learn to forgive before anything else.” – Mother Theresa – Forgiveness is a gift, a real proof of love. It is giving our spouse grace (even if they don’t deserve it); choosing to have the right attitude, loving one another unconditionally. “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude. We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. – 

Because marriage is for life, forgiving and apologizing is essential to cultivating a healthy, life-long marriage. Forgiveness is a choice we make, even if it is not easy and does not come naturally, this is something we must do no matter how many times and how deep we are hurt. “So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”” (Luke 17:3-4) It requires a lot of grace, humility, and patience, but forgiving is necessary. From it, we will find peace, healing, and freedom. “Don’t expect to experience freedom, peace, or rest from your anger until you forgive.” – Priscilla Shirer –

When we feel hurt, it is natural to react negatively. We tend to close ourselves up and build walls around us; we give our spouse the silent treatment or we lock ourselves in the bathroom… For example, suppose my husband yells at me and says disrespectful words to me. I can choose to stay bitter because I am so hurt that I completely close myself to him and don’t want to have anything to do with him. This can go on for days. However, this kind of behavior is not healthy as it allows our hearts to become embittered which keeps us away from forgiveness. Bitterness is dangerous. It is poison to our soul, a marriage killer! We must be careful and guard our hearts as resentment can grow when we don’t handle pain in healthy and effective ways. Our marriage will suffer because of it. “It takes just as much energy to stay bitter as it does to walk the path of forgiveness. But forgiveness frees us to walk a much less exhausting path. It allows our souls to exhale and untangle as we choose to stop recalling those same resentments over and over.” – Lysa Terkeurst – 

In this instance, if my husband comes to me realizing he went too far and apologizes, I don’t reject him. I have to be open and receive his apology, and forgive him. However, I can choose to stay bitter, I can hold the offense against him, and not communicate to him that he hurt me. Resentment will build up and I might even remind him of this event at our next argument which will only amplify the problem. I must choose love over anger, grace over bitterness and peace over conflict. For my relationship with Jesus, my relationship with my spouse, and our marriage’s sake.

Even if it is very hard, we must communicate our feelings to our spouse right away, and never keep our anger inside and let it become bitterness, because the enemy will take advantage of it to separate us from our spouse and God. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26-27) Sharing how we feel is an important step towards forgiveness; it invites God’s grace in our relationship. It is allowing Him to take control of the situation which creates an opportunity for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. We must be quick to forgive, so God’s peace can soothe our soul, rule in our hearts and reunite us with our spouse as soon as possible. Forgiveness is a gift to our spouse but it is a gift to ourselves too. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:13-15)

When our heart is in pain, there is no better place to get consolation than in the presence of God. Prayer is very powerful and necessary, especially if the wound is deep. It invites God into our life, our struggles, and our circumstances. “Prayer is what opens up the floodgates for God to come down and be involved in our everyday circumstances.” – Priscilla Shirer – It is a way to surrender everything that is out of our control directly to Him, so He can take care of it. Sometimes, before confronting our spouse, we need to take a step back to pray about the issue, so we are more prepared to react appropriately. Otherwise, we are likely to say or do things we might regret and this will cause the healing process to take longer. We must use wisdom and discernment, weigh our words, and control our emotions. 

Sometimes, the pain is so great that it’s impossible to forgive with our own strength. Forgiveness is a process, and it can take time, but with God, it is easier because He will walk with us through it. In the meantime, we must surrender our pain to God, perhaps seek advice from a trusted, mature person; keep praying for our spouse. We must get rid of all resentment or negative feelings, and prepare our heart to welcome our spouse’s repentance. Even if our spouse does not repent, we forgive them anyway, thereby freeing ourselves from a prison of resentment. By releasing the bitterness inside of us, we let room for God to heal our hearts and give us peace. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32)

However, forgiving our spouse does not mean that they can sin again knowing we will simply forgive them and they won’t face consequences for their actions. They can’t say “he/she forgave me once; if I do it again, he/she will forgive me again.” Forgiving does not excuse bad behaviors, it is not a free pass to sin. For example, if our spouse has been unfaithful to us (which is the ultimate betrayal in marriage), we forgive them but they continue to be unfaithful, and refuse to be truthful with us; they need to be held accountable for their behavior. We can’t brush aside the offense and let it slide. It’s too serious not to take care of it. Forgiveness frees our heart from bitterness but it’s not a license for being walked on or being treated badly. Trust still needs to be restored; the problem still needs to be dealt with. In this instance, it’s important to bring a wise counselor(s) into the situation. The spouse who is unfaithful can’t continuously lie and live a double life. At the end of the day, conversation needs to happen and decisions must be taken. Having an affair is not just a minor mistake, it’s a conscious choice with serious consequences. If our spouse still chooses to live in sin, it’s on them! We can’t force them to act in love and faithfulness. Some people find the strength to reconcile like Bob & Audrey Meisner (testimony here). God is not for divorce, and He is a God of miracles. But two people make a marriage, and if our spouse wants out, then we can’t fight alone! 

Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Forgiveness does not destroy our memory. Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of sin. Forgiveness does not rebuild trust. But it opens the door to the possibility to restore what has been broken, to rebuild trust, to heal our relationship, to reconnect as a couple… “Forgiveness is a divine act. No other virtue requires such a great sacrifice of self. It is a conscious choice of vulnerability instead of vindication. But in the sacrifice of self, we find God’s embrace. By choosing forgiveness, we refuse to worship our feelings and instead submit ourselves to God’s truth. And by forgiving our spouses, we create the opportunity for them to recognize and receive God’s invitation to be reshaped by His grace.” – Lisa Bevere, The Power Of Forgiveness –

Apologizing, admitting that we can be wrong, repenting, confessing and forgiving is an expression of love. It’s seeing our spouse through God’s eyes. Forgiving our spouse is offering them grace when they need it the most; it’s loving them unconditionally just as God loves us. It is renewing our commitment to one another; it is choosing to walk side by side, not against one another. Forgiveness is choosing our spouse and our marriage all over again!