Glimpses Of Joy During The Pandemic

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

The current COVID-19 pandemic has turned our lives upside down so unexpectedly that we all have a hard time adjusting, even months later. Some people let fear control them, and in the beginning, it felt like we were living the apocalypse. People fought over toilet paper, diapers, formula, and medication which were impossible to find… Everybody was freaking out over social distancing and masks. Schools closed, and people had to work from home. This is a lot to digest in such a small amount of time, and all we can do is to put our trust in God! “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” (Psalm 56:3)

Families were forced to be with one another and adapt to a new way of life. As an introvert, I did not really mind at first. I kind of liked it. But now, it is starting to weigh heavy on my heart. We thought we would get out of it soon; that it would all go away after the summer… Well, here we are many months later, still stuck at home, with all the frustrations and inconveniences that come along with it. 

My joy is completely gone. I have no energy or desire to wake up in the morning and face the reality that is my life right now. I never thought this pandemic situation would hit me this hard. I am losing myself; my spirit is crushed. So, I put different masks on, to hide how I feel, because I don’t want to face the truth. But it’s starting to catch up with me; my heart is hurting and I can’t go on like this. I must finally admit it: I have depression. And the positive in this is that I don’t have to keep smiling behind my masks anymore. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

It’s okay not to be okay and I’m sure I am not the only one. I am lucky though, because I have a good Father in heaven who is looking out for me. He sends me His peace and helps me take another step forward every day. He reassures me that it’s gonna be okay and that I don’t have to fake it anymore. He also helps me find the strength to look for joy throughout my day. It is difficult but if I look hard, I can actually see glimpses which give me hope and heal my heart. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)

 

Bonding with my children

With the kids home every day, doing school online is very overwhelming for me. I have lost my patience numerous times because home is not where they are supposed to do school. PERIOD. They want to play, watch TV, and do anything else but schoolwork! When they are on their computer, they can’t follow instructions, are distracted, and get upset easily. They are disorganized and can’t seem to get used to their new routine. Sometimes they have a hard time following a lesson because the teacher goes too fast, so they give up and fall behind. It results in crying children who hate school (and hate me too because I make them do their lessons); they get more upset and I get more stressed… It is a constant battle. It is so hard. I cry a lot! I really admire the parents who homeschool. It truly is a calling, just not mine! 

I constantly have to be there with my kids to tell them what class they have next and what to do. My son wants me to do his homework with him, but when I am unavailable to help him, he asks Siri or Google for the answers (smart kid!) Or he gets mad at me because I refuse to do it for him! How long can this go on? 

I also have to take care of my one-year-old who is impatiently whining for my attention while I am exhausting myself helping the older two children. This is so frustrating! I love my kids but the environment we are creating with our stress and frustrations is not healthy for anybody. I prayed a lot and sought God to help me. You can imagine my joy when school started again (even if it’s only two days a week), I had hope again! “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” (Romans 12:12) 

On the way back from dropping them off at school on the first day, I played Handel’s Messiah – Hallelujah very loud in my car! I felt so overjoyed! Thank you, Lord! I had some of my freedom back, so I could breathe and relax again. I could give more of my attention to my youngest one too! It felt so good! When I am relaxed and calm, I am a better mom. So, I decided that every Thursday when they come back from school, we would bake a dessert together. Doing this with them softens my heart and gives me opportunities to bond with them in a way I would not in normal times. It makes me appreciate them and our time together without fighting so much. It is a small thing, but it means a lot to them and to me. I am so thankful, because it brings me the comfort that I need. “Be joyful always, pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances. This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

 

More quality time with my husband

My husband has to now work from home like many other people. It is difficult for him because he is an extrovert, a very social guy who likes being with people. Working in the bedroom all day is not his cup of tea. The positive is he gets to see our one-year-old daughter more often. (She likes to come in the room to say hi!) He can see her progress day after day and enjoy her sweet personality more. These are precious moments he’d miss if he were at work.

My husband also has lunch with me almost every day which makes me so happy, because it’s quality time together. Even though this is extra work on me, I gladly serve him by fixing lunch or bringing him coffee or whatever he might need… This is something I am unable to do when he is at work. It feels so good to be able to share this extra time with him, catching up on what is going on in our day and connecting on an emotional level. If he doesn’t have a meeting right after lunch, well…who knows what else we could be doing together! Haha!

And since we are home all the time, we love to talk about house-projects like finishing our basement. He patiently and attentively goes through Pinterest images with me for inspiration. He listens to me and my ideas.  He tells me what he thinks, and we try to agree on what we both want to do. We don’t always agree, but we are okay with compromising. It is so much fun comparing our tastes and brainstorming ideas, talking decorations, styles, and designs… This is very exciting for me! My husband always gives me his full attention, and it makes me feel valued and cared for. He even sends me pictures of things for the house he sees at a store to get my opinion. I appreciate these special moments with him so much; it makes my heart happy. “Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:25)

 

Shifting my priorities

I am a cleanliness freak. I cannot tolerate a messy, dirty house. Ever! Before the pandemic, I used to clean every day; my house was always spotless. If I don’t clean, my anxiety goes up, and then I am in a bad mood for the rest of the day. But I had to learn to let it go, because I just can’t do it all when everyone is living in the house all day, every day. It’s just too much work and it gets too overwhelming if I start focusing on the mess. This is something that is very hard for me to accept. I feel like a failure, because I can’t handle it anymore. But that’s the truth, I can’t handle it! Being a very clean person defined me. I had to be perfect at least with this one part of my life, because I am good at it! 

The saddest part is that I felt like I was losing my purpose, my significance by neglecting the house. But I am not Mary Poppins, my fingers can’t snap like hers! I don’t have time to do it all, and I have more important priorities right now. My identity isn’t based on the cleanliness of my house. If I don’t have time to sweep the floor or wash the dishes, who cares? I am accepting that as okay. Now, I just have to say, “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”, throw in a few “um diddle diddle, diddle um, diddle ay” here and there, and hope that tomorrow will be the day I can catch up on cleaning. So, instead of getting even more tired and depressed, I decided to act like Elsa’s character in the movie Frozen and try my best to “let it go, let it go!”

 

Looking forward to the future

“Your future is bright and filled with a living hope that will never fade away.” (Proverbs 23:18)

I am trying very hard to face disappointments with positivity. Back in July, we had airplane tickets to go to France to visit our family and attend two weddings. I was supposed to be the maid of honor at my sister’s wedding. I was so excited! We planned everything. I had my Amazon shopping cart full of wedding stuff; dresses I would wear; accessories and cute clothes for the kids… We were really looking forward to going. But COVID-19 hit and we could not travel anymore. I missed my sister’s wedding, and it made me very sad. Then we decided to try to go for Christmas. I was hopeful but not too much, because I did not want to be disappointed again. Sure enough, we won’t be able to go again. I am not having any good emotions about it. I just pray to God that He takes away the sadness and replaces the hole in my heart with His strength and love… “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” (Psalm 73:26)

The enemy wants to steal our joy, so he can torment us and keep us away from God. But we have to know that we are never alone, God’s mighty hand is protecting us; He will never forsake us. Even though we walk through the darkest valley, we will fear no evil for He is with us. (Psalm 23:5) We must stay strong, stand firm in the faith, keep hoping, and remain in His love, because joy will eventually come back. This is just a season which will pass. God will restore us!

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:6-10)