Grieving The Unexpected Loss Of My Husband
By KIM BERNDT
July 9th, 2018 I found my husband Tim collapsed on the floor from a widow-maker heart attack; I endured 12 frantic long minutes performing CPR doing everything I could to keep him alive. As the paramedics arrived and took him to the hospital, my mind couldn’t comprehend what my heart knew to be true. Then on July 12th, after consulting a team of doctors, we made the heart-wrenching decision to stop all life support measures, and in an instant, Tim was with Jesus.
After reading and re-reading hundreds of pages of Tim’s medical records. I now understand that he never regained consciousness, nor did he ever breathe on his own after taking his last breath in my arms. I’m thankful for the gift of life support as it provided time for my children and their spouses to gather with me to pray, worship, and express how much we loved him. The gift of one last goodbye.
I was told the first year is spent navigating the loss and grief and would feel like the longest year of my life. But for me, it was the fastest year. I’ve endured major change that has been key in eliminating elements of memories at every corner and turn, packing up 30 years of life and moving to a new home; then selling everything and starting over. My selling and moving eliminated the continual reminders of Tim everywhere. The fresh start helped me move forward through my grief. Yet, there were moments of unimaginable heartache, loss, and grief that at times felt so tangible they affected every part of my life. Often I felt like I was walking through a fog so dense, so heavy, so unknown I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see clearly what was up ahead.
I’ve always been a list maker, a “check the box” kind of girl finding great accomplishment when I checked things off of my “to do” list. Grief and loss are tricky because they can’t simply be checked off a list. There isn’t a road map or a path to follow. Instead, I’ve balanced the tension between happiness and sadness and joy and sorrow.
Grief was ever-present from the last moment I held my husband’s hand, kissed him goodbye, whispered in his ear that it was okay for him to go be with Jesus and assured him I would be okay. In that tender moment, I was forever changed and so grateful for the privilege and honor of handing the hand of my earthly love – the one God chose for me – and then releasing him into the arms of my heavenly Father, knowing he would spend eternity in heaven with Jesus. Such a sacred moment, a sacred gift yet one I never imagined I’d be called to make at this stage of my life.
As I continue on this journey I’ve reconciled in my heart and mind that grief will always be a close companion. I was told early on that grief has many layers and that it would take a long time to grieve every aspect and detail of our marriage. I’ve found this to be so true as there are pieces of our life together that I now grieve the loss of; things that hadn’t crossed my mind during the first year of loss. I’ve learned that there will always be a longing for what could have been, in the midst of resting in what now is and what is to come. There’s a deep, deep understanding that most will never know what to do with my grief, or how to step in or simply be there. And it’s in these alone moments, Jesus was so loving, caring, and tender with my heart as I navigated such heavy loss and grief.
I now understand in such a profound way that the love my husband and I shared can’t be set aside; it can’t be denied; it can’t be forgotten, nor will I ever “get over my loss”. As I continue to grow and move forward, the amazing impact my husband made on my life continues to live on in and through me. As I tuck away in my heart the precious memories and moments that we shared, I know the depth of our love and life lived together will always be with me. These memories and moments have shaped me into the person I am today.
As I continue this life’s journey, I cannot see fully God’s purpose or His plan, but I’m choosing to trust Him even in the dark, hard moments. And I’m learning that God releases His glory through the broken places.
My journey through loss and grief will not hold me captive or keep me stuck. Nor does my new title “widow” define me. I know and believe that God has not left me nor abandoned me. Rather, this process is ALL part of His amazing plan and purpose for me. And with each step I take, God continues to lead me as He re-builds beautiful.
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