How We Talk To Our Spouse

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalms 141:3)

The Bible warns us numerous times about being careful with what comes out of our mouth. Here again, the devil has distorted something that was meant for good. Our mouth was meant to praise God and bless the people around us, but we use it to curse and destroy instead. “With the tongue, we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” (James 3:9-10) 

We must be very vigilant with what we say and how we say it, because  words are very powerful; what they communicate is crucial in relationships, especially in marriage. “The main vehicle of both blessings and curses is words.” – Derek Prince – What we say to our spouse should be always respectful; always positive; always lifting; and always loving! (Ephesians 4:29) Our words alone can build our spouse up, crush them, or tear them down. “Words can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair.” – Sigmund Freud – We must choose our words with great care. Every time we open our mouth, blessing and goodness must come out of it. 

In marriage, it is natural to get frustrated at our spouse, and it is okay to argue. But if we are not careful, sometimes heated arguments can happen, and our anger can take over and make us say harsh and hurtful words to our spouse that can stick deep in their soul. Our words can seriously hurt our spouse and affect the quality of our marriage and our relationship as husband and wife. “It is never okay to speak in a nasty tone, use harsh language, or scream and shout at each other. This is being verbally abusive.” – Ashley Willis – We must control our mouth, our emotions, and our reactions. We must approach disagreements with our spouse as calmly and lovingly as possible so we don’t hurt them. “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” (Colossians 3:8) 

We must first identify our feelings and then, calmly share our true emotions. We are allowed to be angry but it is not an excuse to disrespect our spouse. We are responsible for our words and the effect they have on our spouse. One can rapidly become abusive with one’s words, and anything negative destroys love, hardens the heart, and crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:4) Disrespectful words create worthless feelings, take away intimacy, create resentment, and separate us from our spouse and God. As a result, our relationship can become unhealthy and very toxic. “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” (Proverbs 21:23) 

Words have enormous consequences on our marriage. We would never treat our friends or our parents in a bad way. So, why would we want to say horrible things to the one we love and cherish the most, risking to ruin everything? “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.” (Proverbs 13:3) We must use wisdom every time we want to say something. (Proverbs 12:18)  We must “turn our tongue seven times before speaking” as the French often say. We must think twice (or seven times) about what we are going to say and how we are going to say it. We always have the choice to do what is right.

I remember reading about an experiment (here) Ikea conducted on bullying. They placed two identical plants in a school, the plants were kept under identical environments. They each received the same amount of care, light, and water… For 30 days, students had to compliment one plant and bully the other. When the experiment was over, the results were amazing. The plant that received compliments was healthy and thriving, while the other one was weak and droopy. Our words have an impact. They can kill a plant! Imagine what they can do to human beings, left alone our spouse who we love and are supposed to care for! This is proof that words are powerful! They have the power of life and death. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)

We are supposed to use our words to proclaim love, to build others up, and speak life. Our words should never be used as weapons against our spouse. Instead, we must say kind, loving words. “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” – Mother Teresa – When we feel the anger coming up and we want to yell and say that bad word that we know will hurt deeply, we must make the effort to transform it into something loving instead. We must “do everything in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14) even when we don’t feel like loving at that moment. For example, instead of swearing, insulting our spouse, or disrespecting them by using unkind words, we can say: “Honey, I am very angry right now, because I love you and want to respect you, I will calm myself down and come back when I am ready to have a mature, constructive conversation.” This will change the atmosphere right away. This is positive communication! Saying something like this can change everything. If we stay in negative communication, we can’t grow and our marriage will become unhealthy. “Negative communication can destroy a healthy home.” – Jimmy Evans – 

Our marriage reflects how we communicate with each other. We must be a good example for our children and everyone around us. If we want to be respected, we must show respect to others. Speaking kindly to our spouse in every circumstance is one of the best ways to keep our marriage healthy. It will make our connection as husband and wife stronger and our marriage happier. Controlling our temper and handling difficult situations with love and respect is a great way to teach our children. By being role models in our home and showing we can solve our conflicts in a healthy manner shows our children how to build the right foundation for their own marriages. And if we make mistakes, let’s also show them that we acknowledge being in the wrong and teach them about the importance of repentance and forgiveness! They will need to apply these valuable principles in their future as well. 

 

“My paternal grandparents used to scream at each other all the time. They were a little deaf which did not help, they had to raise their voices at each other to make themselves understood. But they were loud arguers. They would scream in each other’s faces. I remember standing there watching them in shock. I had to get used to it because they would not change. Their marriage was not a happy one. My grandma always complained about my grandpa, and my grandpa was a submissive husband who did everything his wife said and asked. I did not see a lot of respect between them, I did not see love or affection. But we, grandkids, felt loved by both of them, so I guess that is the most important. They had an arranged marriage, (it was popular within Italian families years ago.) So, instead of growing in love, they grew resenting one another. They just did not learn to communicate and there was so much pain from their own respective past that they brought in their marriage, it was just too late. However, they stayed together until they died. 

When my grandpa passed away, this is when my grandma realized that she loved him… but she could not do anything about it, he was gone. I knew I did not want that with my marriage. My parents never argued in front of us kids, so I don’t even know how they solved their conflicts. My husband had a more positive example with his maternal grandparents. They were madly in love, always holding hands, (we called them the inseparable!) They kissed all the time! They were strong Christians (unlike my grandparents), they had a solid foundation and were full of good advice. They were a great example to follow, and I really wanted my marriage to grow like theirs! My husband’s parents though, were very loud when they were arguing. There were name calling and swearing; his dad could even be violent at times (his own dad used to beat his wife so this pattern had to change and it did by the grace of God!) 

So, my husband and I both come from fairly dysfunctional families and we had to learn our own dynamics, and change what did not feel right. My husband sometimes raises his voice when he is very frustrated, but he never disrespects me. He never calls me names, he has never been verbally or physically abusive. He is just loud and impulsive when he hurts, but he knows the limit. I don’t scream at my husband; I am more of the “shutting down” kind of person. I don’t really know how to communicate with him but I know I scream at the kids when I am frustrated. I really don’t know where this comes from though (neither my parents nor grandparents screamed at us growing up). I am usually a very calm person. I have to work on my reactions because I don’t want to be that mom you know… And I need to learn to communicate better with my husband too. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes, but we need to know when too far is too far and never cross that line, EVER! Every day is a chance to make it right, to try hard not to repeat our mistakes; to practice effective communication; and to become our best selves.”

– Stephanie –