Intimacy & Sexuality

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

Intimacy and sexuality are significant parts of marriage. Yes, both are closely related but we must understand the differences between the two. In marriage, we need good emotional intimacy to have good sexual intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is what we first need to take care of before jumping into anything sexual. Emotional intimacy is what creates the connection between the spouses, sexuality is what seals that connection. We know that men and women are wired differently. Indeed, they are very different regarding intimacy and sexuality. They desire both but that does not necessary mean they view them the same way.

Women need emotional intimacy before giving themselves to their husband sexually. That means that their husbands must be affectionate without being sexual. This is something men have difficulty understanding because men are physical. This is beautiful because men and women complement each other so well! In marriage, we need both and for it to work, we must understand one another.

Being emotionally intimate means taking time with each other, knowing each other, serving one another and speaking each other’s love language… For a woman, the emotional need is on top of the list. Only when this need is met is she open to sexual intimacy, because a woman’s emotional state directly affects her sex drive. Otherwise, she will feel used if her husband comes to her with sexual intentions only. A hug or a cuddle does not have to turn sexual every time! A woman wants to feel close to her husband emotionally; she needs his non-sexual affection to feel valued. She wants to feel special, she wants her husband to value her feelings and show that he genuinely cares about her for who she is as a person and not for what her body can offer. “Women feel more inclined to have sex with their husbands when they feel connected to them emotionally and intellectually.” – Dave and Ashley Willis, The Naked Marriage – A husband must be close to his wife emotionally for her to be more open physically. When something is bothering a woman, it affects her entire being. She can’t have sex if she feels ignored by her husband or if she feels she is not important to him. If a husband wants to be treated like a king, he must treat his wife like a queen; and vice-versa! It is this simple! Both spouses need to work towards this goal. 

A husband should listen to his wife and give her the attention and affection she really needs or she will distance herself from him emotionally. It is less easy for a woman to feel sexual or “in the mood” if her mind or her heart is not in the right place emotionally. A husband’s actions towards his wife during the day will affect how she responds to him in the bedroom. If a frustrated husband keeps bringing up his wife’s intimate issues, blaming her for her insecurities, like saying she should be this or that in the bedroom, she will refuse his affection. Instead, a husband should pursue his wife, make her know he desires her and make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman on earth… Never demean a wife with her weaknesses and insecurities, especially if she struggles sexually. She will close herself off to her husband and resent him; she will feel disrespected and unloved. And it goes the same way for a man, too! If a woman keeps putting her husband down for his clumsiness, his bad performance or criticizing everything he does wrong…he will not want to have sex again because he will feel he is not good enough. 

How can the couple grow together if there is constant criticism? We should be very mindful of each other’s feelings and careful with how we approach intimate issues with our spouse. “Constant criticism in a marriage can make the other spouse feel unloved and disrespected.” – The Naked Marriage Podcast – Communication is key! Husband and wife must communicate about their expectations and desires regarding intimacy. They must try to understand each other, be patient and respect their differences. Talking about what makes them feel loved and what shuts them down is very important. It is essential to know our spouse and try our best to respect their needs and give them the affection they expect and deserve, even if their needs don’t look like ours! “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3)

Women must also understand that men need sex, just as much as women need emotional connection to function well. I think women are not educated enough on how much sex means for a man and I don’t think men know how to explain it well either. Maybe husbands should speak up and be brave enough to talk about it with their wives without feeling embarrassed. I truly believe it would change the women’s perspective on the matter… Most of the time, men have a stronger sex drive than women which is totally fine, but this is something women have to take seriously. They don’t think their husbands need sex more than they do and they assume their husbands can survive without it. But, if needs are ignored, and there isn’t communication or an effort to be understanding, frustration and rejection feelings can rise and potentially lead men to search sadly for it elsewhere. Nobody wants that in their marriage because sex strengthens the connection the couple already has when emotional intimacy is working well. Sex makes men feel loved just like emotional intimacy makes women feel loved. Sex is an extension of that connection; it is a celebration of love! It is such a sacred act that it would be a pity not to experience it fully.

Sexual intimacy is vitally important for a healthy marriage! It would be very frustrating for both spouses if their sexual life did not align with their emotional life. To find harmony, satisfaction and joy, both spouses need to work hard to meet each other’s needs emotionally and sexually. “A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.” – Dr. Kevin Leman, Sheet Music – A mediocre sex life can mean a mediocre marriage and this is not what any marriage should be. Sex is beautiful, it is meant to be good and fun. So, couples need to cultivate emotional intimacy in order to have fulfilling sexual intimacy. Dr. Leman also says that “a fulfilling sex life is one of the most powerful marital glues a couple can have.” How amazing is that? Couples should be completely open and honest about their sex life together. They should fix issues if there are any and keep growing together. There is plenty of room to learn together and practice can only make it better! The work put into it is well worth it!

Sex is often hard and complex. But sexual expression is also a beautiful gift from God that we were made to enjoy in marriage. It was designed to bring a husband and his wife together in a physical, emotional and spiritual bond. It is something we alone give to our spouse. No one else can fulfill this need in our place, so it is our duty to speak this language with our spouse. “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)

Intimacy, whether emotional or sexual is a powerful force in our married lives, we must treat it as a matter of supreme importance! We must make it a priority, because it will lead to a stronger and more connected marriage. So many blessings will result from it, a chief one being children. “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. […]” (Genesis 1:28) So, let’s enjoy that wonderful gift in the most positive way possible. Let’s demolish all the walls that separate us from our spouse so we can experience all of God’s blessings in our marriage.

 

Want to learn more on intimacy and sexuality? Visit: https://marriagetoday.com/ten-things-every-married-couple-needs-know-sex/