Let’s Talk Chores

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

“Gender roles” is a subject of controversy and a topic of argument in many marriages. Indeed, husbands and wives have roles to fulfill according to their genders that are God-given (see our posts on a wife’s role and responsibility and a husband’s role). But there is a difference between roles and tasks. We must separate the two as they cover different aspects of marriage. A role is more like a calling or a purpose. It’s wired into our DNA. A task is a work we have to do no matter our gender, because it needs to be done somehow.

Paul affirms that men and women are created equal in value. “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Galatians 3:28) Men and women are equally important but they were created different to complement each other, this is where their roles come into place. But, being equal also means that when it comes to living together, there is no “man’s job” or “woman’s job”. Both spouses have their part of responsibilities.

Marriage is made of a man and a woman who care for one another and where each one of them is willing to serve the other as a practical demonstration of love. Marriage is a partnership. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and it certainly helps to have two people to run a household! Taking out the trash is not a “man’s job”, and cleaning the toilet is not a “woman’s job”! After all, both use the toilet, and both fill up the trash! Both spouses must be active participants in every aspect of their married life, including sharing the household’s chores fairly no matter their gender. Because husband and wife love each other, they also have to serve one another in love. “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” (Galatians 5:13)

According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, in nearly half of U.S. households, both spouses work full time. In these households, mothers and fathers tend to share some responsibilities more equally. Most working parents say both mom and dad equally share household work and responsibilities (59%), disciplining (61%) and playing with the kids (64 %). 

When both spouses work full time, they must share the chores equally even though keeping count of who did what is complicated. It is said that marriage is 100/100, not 50/50. Communicating together about one’s responsibilities around the house is important. Taking turns (so the same person does not do the same thing all the time) is a great idea if the couple wants to avoid fighting. I think it is more meaningful to just do something, because it is in front of us instead of waiting for our spouse to do it because it is “their turn” to do it. Giving freely without expecting anything in return is a proof of love and care. However, one spouse should not be the only one doing all the work, both must make efforts to meet each other in the middle! Helping each other with housework is an easy way to serve one another. Doing chores together can also be a bonding experience! Couples should decide together how they want to organize their chores. What matters is that it’s done in peace, understanding, and love. 

It goes the same way with the children’s responsibilities. About half (54%) of parents in households where both the mother and the father work full time say that, in their family, the mother does more when it comes to managing the children’s schedules and activities. Balancing work and family life is difficult but the couple must share their obligations with the children as well. Spending time with them, managing their schedules, and taking turns attending to their needs is crucial. Children’s responsibilities cannot fall on one person alone, especially if both spouses are working full time! Both spouses must be equally present in their children’s life.

Let’s take as another example the situation where the husband works full time and his wife is a stay-at-home mom. According to the same Pew Research Center survey, about 1 in 5 U.S. moms (and dads) are stay-at-home parents. While 71% of moms do work outside of the home, 29% are staying home full time. In households where the father works full time and the mother works part-time or not at all, the distribution of childcare and housekeeping responsibilities is less balanced. These moms take on more of the responsibility for parenting tasks and household chores than those moms who work full time.

When the wife stays home, it is normal and expected that she takes care of the house, the kids, and most of the chores when her husband is at work. She is not going to wait for her husband to come home to ask him to clean, cook, or fold laundry… It would not be fair to him. But once he comes home from work, being tired is not an excuse for not helping his wife out! He should view his workday as continuing until everyone has finished supper and the kids are in bed. This is what the wives do too! Husbands should develop a mindset for helping out and engaging family life after work rather than sitting in front of the TV or playing video-games! 

When the spouses are both home, they must share the remaining chores and tasks. It’s not because the husband is done with his job that he is done with his day. He can’t lay on the couch and wait for his wife to serve him and treat him like a king when she still has to care for the kids, dinner, and everything else. This is not fair to her. The husband should not be exempt from helping his wife clear the table after dinner, load the dishwasher, or bathe the children just because he went to work during the day and did “his part”. He must be involved and be a partner to his wife who needs him! His wife had a long day too; she too is exhausted! The remaining tasks will be done quicker with her husband’s help, lighten her burden and make her feel cared for and appreciated. As a result, she will be less demanding and happier! The couple will then be able to relax together, spend quality time, and have some energy left to enjoy each other’s company.

I’ve heard husbands say: “My wife does not help me when I am at work, why would I help her with her job around the house?” Or something like: “My wife does not work; she stays home all day and does nothing!” Well, let me tell these rude husbands that this behavior is very selfish and disrespectful! Being a stay-at-home mother is hard! Yes, having a job is overwhelming sometimes, but raising children and keeping a house in order is too! A housewife’s job is as important as any other job. It’s not because a wife stays home that she is twiddling her thumbs all day. It also does not mean that she can do everything! By the way, what a housewife does during the day is most of the time left unnoticed, overlooked, or ignored by her husband. Husbands should not take their wives for granted and instead express appreciation because they are working hard, multitasking all day to make sure their husbands come home to a welcoming and pleasant place. When it comes to chores, it is not about mine or yours, it’s about ours. It is our marriage; our house; our kids; our mess! We are both responsible for all of it!

If stay-at-home moms/wives were paid for their work, they might well earn way more than their husbands do, because their job is so important! They wear many hats. They do it all! They never stop, even at night… And they are happy to do it, but they also appreciate the help and participation of their husbands because doing it all is draining. A lot of men say that they could not do what their housewives do. This means they understand a little bit about how hard it is. This is a reason to help even more! “A housewife’s work…is surely, in reality, the most important work in the world…your job is the one for which all others exist.” – C.S. Lewis – What they do is very admirable and honorable. They deserve the best award! To understand what this really means watch this amazing, very touching and eye opening video. 

Stay-at-home moms/wives are more than a quaint stereotype from the 1950s. They express the values of the Proverbs 31 woman. They help create a home and are often said to be the heart of the home. (Proverbs 31) The Bible does not say that they do everything by themselves! “Homemaking is about more than simply a list of tasks you perform each day to ensure the cleanliness of your house and the well being of your family.” – Melissa Ringstaff –

Homemaking expresses a part of a woman’s purpose which goes beyond the chores! God has called her to this ministry of motherhood, to do important training and forming the character of her children. “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband praises her as well.” (Proverbs 31:28) But God provided children with mothers and fathers for a reason. Both parents need to be involved in setting biblical boundaries, teaching them the difference between right and wrong, modeling manners, and teaching them to seek a life of godliness… “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7) A mother cannot do this all by herself, she needs her husband’s leadership, help, and support. Fathers have an important role to play in their children’s life as well. “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) Their role is to bring training and instruction to their children by encouraging, comforting and teaching them to become godly people. “You are witnesses, and so is God, of how holy, righteous and blameless we were among you who believed. For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.” (1 Thessalonians 2:10-12)

If husbands do not help their wives and rely on them to do everything, they will feel used; disrespected; unloved; and taken advantage of. This is not how marriage should be! When chores and children’s responsibilities are always done by the same person, it causes a lot of frustration that can build up into resentment. Spouses must be mindful of one another and try their best not to become a burden. 

Helping our spouse is a demonstration of unconditional love. It is forgetting our own needs to meet our spouse’s. We must learn to compromise and choose to make our spouse our priority; not expect to be served, but to serve and to give willingly in love. “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45) 

We must be involved together in every aspect of our married life, serving and helping one another; listening to each other’s needs; bonding not only as a couple, but as a family; teaching our children about servanthood, sacrifice and unconditional love. Doing all of these in agreement, as one, is what makes a healthy, thriving marriage.