Parents

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO 

 

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

When a man and a woman marry, they become an independent unit, their own family. Naturally, their relationship with their parents changes, because they are no longer under their authority. Sometimes, their parents (especially mothers I noticed when asking around) have a hard time accepting this sudden separation from their now married children. But letting go of their children is a process, a time of transition parents have to go through if they want their children to thrive, have a successful marriage; and if they want to keep a good relationship with their children. For everyone’s sake, parents must give their children space to allow them to grow and make their own decisions. Most importantly, they must resist the urge to intrude into their children’s private lives.

“They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” (Luke 12:53)

Parents can be a blessing or a challenge. When they become a challenge, they are a burden to their child and his or her spouse. Instead of having a healthy relationship with them it becomes a relationship of conflict with repercussions for their child’s marriage. The couple must set boundaries and talk to their parents so things will go well with their marriage. “Honor and respect your parents, but don’t let them violate the boundaries of your relationship.” – Jimmy Evans –

Parents must respect their children’s marriage, their privacy, and their decisions. It is not the parents’ place to control their children’s lives, how they raise their own children or handle their finances… Sometimes, parents take the liberty to voice their opinion or give unsolicited advice which creates tension and resentment. “A good rule for parents wanting to advise their married children is that parents should give advice only when it’s requested. Giving unsolicited advice to your married children does not build a positive relationship. We will not always agree with our married children, but we can offer respect and give them the freedom to make their own decisions.” – Gary Chapman –

Some parents are intrusive and invade their children’s privacy too often. Others are harsh towards their children’s spouses especially mothers-in-law with their daughters-in-law: They criticize what they think they are doing wrong; they don’t approve of how they discipline the children or the kind of food they are being fed. They don’t like how they care for their husband, or the way they cook or organize their home… This is not right, no one should ever be treated this way, and no spouse should let their spouse be treated that way either. This kind of behavior encourages an adversarial relationship which makes these controlling and opinionated parents toxic for their children’s marriage.

In the case where parents are too involved in their children’s marriage, where they want to control, take over, or impose their rules and beliefs… action must be taken right away. Because the marriage must be protected and come first, the couple must stay unified and face their parents with love and respect, but firmly explain the limits they should not cross. They do not need their parents’ approval, their strong opinions or their negativity. If parents’ behavior affects the quality of the marriage, if things start to feel uncomfortable… conversations must happen and boundaries must be put in place. If boundaries are not respected, distancing themselves from their parents is a decision the couple must take to protect their marriage. They need to step back and walk away if necessary; they are allowed to say this is not okay; say that’s enough! Distancing themselves from their parents is a consequence of their parent’s inability or refusal to respect the boundaries. This does not mean that they don’t love their parents anymore, but this is necessary to preserve their marriage.

“We have had many issues with my parents-in-law over the years, some have gotten better, some not. We deal with situations where they tell us what we should and should not feed our kids. That I should do things differently in the kitchen, or not use certain products or even appliances because it’s bad and dangerous for our health. They even disagree on how we medicate our kids when they are sick! We had to take our distance but then we are made guilty for not seeing them more often… There have been things we have confronted, we tried to create boundaries but we struggle in these moments because they don’t understand. They overreact and it often ends up with my mother-in-law crying hysterically. They think they are showing they love us when they do these things, and they feel hurt and rejected when we tell them to stop. We know they worry about us and that they love us but having them intruding like this really infringes on us being our own couple and our own family.” – Norah –

However, when a couple has a good relationship with their parents and parents-in-law, it is a fantastic feeling. Everyone feels free and safe in each other’s company. Everyone knows their place. There is no judgment, no negativity. And if feelings are hurt, they know how to talk about it in a healthy manner. Freedom, respect, and love are the foundation of their relationship. Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be? Absolutely.

Parents had their turn dealing with their own parents. They know! They should understand that their place is to encourage, support, love, and pray for their children and their spouse. To respect their rules when they come to their house. To always be available if their children ask for their help or advice. Their role is to be loving grandparents to their grandkids and be trusted to honor the instructions they are given while taking care of them. If boundaries are respected, if communication is healthy, if their relationship is nurtured, everyone wins! “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1) It is so simple and yet doesn’t happen often enough. 

“I am blessed to have the best parents-in-law I could have ever wanted! They are the sweetest people in the whole world. They are supportive and encouraging; they are very respectful and never intrude on our privacy. When we disagree on various subjects, we talk about it but at the end of the day, they always respect our choices. They give us the freedom to make our own decisions and if we fail, they make sure we know they are here to support us without judging us. We know we can count on them at any time, even if they live on another continent. My mother-in-law did not hesitate to come when I asked her to be present for my children’s birth. And she dropped everything to help me when my husband was sick and close to dying. She is an angel! (We often call her a saint to make fun of her but she really is!) She is always available when I need her. She is my best friend! She and her husband stepped up and flew right away from France when they learned our son needed brain surgery. In the darkest time of our lives, they were our intercessors, they carried us in their prayers, they had hope when we did not, they reassured us and supported us the best they could. They put our needs before their own… My in-laws are the most wonderful, selfless, caring people I know. They showed me what unconditional love means! I am forever grateful to have such people in my life. I believe this is the kind of parents/parents-in-law people want and need! Life is too short to be estranged from them.” – Angelique –

People’s hearts need to change. Relationships must be repaired. Families must be put back together. Too many families are left broken-hearted because of bad behaviors. Too many families do not talk to one another about something that happened years ago! 

I know how much it hurts because I have been caught in the middle of a family argument that I thought was my fault! For 5 years we did not talk to my grandma because I did not want to answer a very personal question she had asked me. She did not understand I was embarrassed. She thought she had the right to intrude on my privacy because she was my grandma. She was just curious, I was a shy teenager who did not know how to react.

It exploded like a bomb between her and my mom during a family gathering. (It was probably the last straw for my mom since she already had a difficult relationship with my grandma.) Everybody left upset. I did not see my grandma, uncles, aunts, and cousins for the longest time after that. Cancer and then the death of a child-cousin of mine is what brought us back together. I regretted not answering her question, because, during all this time, I could have shared good moments with her and made precious memories. I feel like I was robbed of the time I could have spent with her. I loved her very much and when she passed, (I was already living miles away), my first thought was that I wished I had those 5 years back. 

All this to say that relationships between family members, between parents/parents-in-law and their children, greatly affect the grandchildren. Everyone suffers from the consequences of bad relationships but children should never have to pay for their parents’ and grandparents’ discord. Everyone should make efforts to have healthy relationships and get along not only because it is important but because Scriptures call us to. As Paul says, “Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgive each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Colossians 3:13) Time is too precious to waste it on disagreements and unnecessary quarrels.