Pornography In Marriage
By ANGELIQUE VACCARO
Pornography in marriage is a very sensitive subject, nobody wants to talk about it. Very few churches warn about its danger and sadly, many marriages have to pay the price of its destructive consequences. We must unveil what no one wants to admit: pornography issues in marriages (and especially in Christian marriages) are more common than what people think. Christians struggle with it too! This is a huge issue because pornography poisons marital intimacy, it kills love and destroys marriages. Satan takes what is most sacred, distorts it and ruins it; he uses pornography to twist and pervert the beauty and biblical design of God’s creation. “Porn is a distortion of God’s good view of sexual intimacy, it is a manifestation of heart that is not satisfied in God.” – Matt Younger –
Pornography is an epidemic, it is everywhere! Our children are exposed to it at a very young age (as young as 7 years old!); teenagers and young adults are addicted to it and couples bring it in their marriage. A majority of pornography is viewed by men, but women are starting to be entertained by it too! According to a social report released by Covenant Eyes, 64% of Christians men and 15% of Christian women view pornography at least once a month, and of these, 39% of Christian men and 13% of Christian women would classify their use of pornography as excessive. Also, 1 in 5 youth pastors and 1 in 7 senior pastors use porn on a regular basis and are currently struggling. So, it is crucial to acknowledge that pornography is a huge problem. We must understand why it is bad and we must fight against it to protect our hearts, our marriage and our covenant with our spouse and God. We must also believe that there is a way out; we can be redeemed and find freedom, marriages can be restored and hearts healed.
Why is looking at porn a sin?
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6:18: “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” And 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 also says: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.”
Over and over, the Bible makes it clear that we are to stay away from sexual immorality because it is detestable to God. Pornography is destructive, it corrupts the soul. It also changes how we view sex and how we view women (research has proven that just two sessions of one hour exposures of R-rated sexual entertainment changes men’s attitudes toward women.) Pornography ruins marriages, disconnect couples from each other and breaks wives’ hearts. It rewires our brains and acts like a drug because the more we watch, the more we want. It is never enough! It can and will drag us deeper and deeper into extreme sexual addictions, violence and horrifying obscenities… It separates us from reality and makes us do ungodly things! When we are far from God, only bad things happen! Pornography controls us; we do not control it! We can’t, and therefore it makes us its slaves. We must be aware of the dangers it causes because it can tear apart a home, and it can tear apart a person’s soul. “Pornography can reach out and snatch a kid out of any house today. It snatched me out of my house 30 years ago.…The most damaging kinds of pornography are those that involve violence and sexual violence. The wedding of those two forces brings about behavior too terrible to describe.” – Notorious serial killer and rapist, Ted Bundy –
Is porn cheating?
We asked men and women (Christians and non-Christians) to tell us what they think about porn being the same as cheating, here are their answers:
Is watching porn cheating? (According to men)
“There is a screen between men and what they watch, they are not “doing it for real” so, this is not cheating.”
“Looking at porn is adultery in the heart but it’s not the same as going out and sleeping with a prostitute. The repercussions are much larger for that or having physical adultery with a neighbor.”
“No, watching porn is not cheating because this is only virtual watching.”
“No, because it is just a video, it is not the real act.”
“Men are not going out with women and having sex with them, they are at home, just watching. So, no they are not cheating.”
“Watching pornography does not mean going on a dating-site, so it is not cheating since men do not communicate with women directly.”
Is watching porn cheating? (According to women)
“It’s like one of the steps of cheating. For me it’s not different from being seduced by another woman.”
“He is too tired to have sex with me because he did it all day on his computer. He cheats on me with the women on the screen and distance himself from me.”
“I don’t know if cheating would be the word to use, but it definitely isn’t right and will probably make his wife have the same feeling as if he was cheating on her.”
“I am right here waiting for him, and his body is not “working properly” because he masturbated earlier. I am left completely empty emotionally and sexually. I feel like the women on the computer or his phone stole my husband from me.”
“Yes because he is having sex virtually. He is still having sex whether it is virtually or not, he is aroused and satisfied by someone else than his wife.”
“He is not doing it with me, he is getting it from somewhere else, so yes!”
The Bible clearly says in Matthew 5:28 “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Lusting after other people in our minds, which is the essence of pornography, is offensive to God. To God, whether a man (or a woman) looks at someone else lustfully in the street or through a screen, the sin is the same. So the answer is clear: looking at porn is cheating on our spouse. It is considered an affair, a virtual affair. It is called a pornographic affair. Looking at another naked body other than our spouse’s and desiring it, fantasizing about it and masturbating to achieve self-gratification is lust. That is not okay and therefore, it is committing adultery according to the Bible. We have to see it the way the Bible sees it rather than the way the culture sees it. We must stop minimizing it and stop acting like it is nothing!
Many wives are devastated when they discover their husband is watching pornography, they feel betrayed, lied to and cheating on. “In marriage, this is with real cheating, the worst a man can do to his wife because pornography becomes the husband’s essence of his sexual interest and arousal. Rather than taking satisfaction in his wife, he looks at dirty pictures in order to be rewarded with sexual arousal that comes without responsibility, expectation, or demand. His sex drive has become an engine for lust and self-gratification.” – Sheila Wray Gregoire –
Pornography then becomes a worship of sex, an idol that God condemns in Colossians 3:5 “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” Pornography steals marital intimacy; it takes a husband’s time away from his wife; it takes away his energy, his desires and can at times create erectile dysfunctions. It creates tensions, trust issues, insecurities and arguments in a marriage… It creates pain, resentment, sexual and intimacy problems. An image, a false relationship with a fantasy person, divides the heart and separates us from God and our spouse. That’s not how God intended the marriage relationship to be.
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Hebrews 13:4) When we got married, we promised each other to be physically faithful but also emotionally faithful. Marital faithfulness involves all of our body, including our eyes. We must honor this covenant and keep our eyes and our hearts pure. We must protect our marriage, which is holy, and keep the “marriage bed undefiled”. That means, not bringing in outsiders! We must not allow pornography to enter our marriage and tear down everything we worked so hard building up. In marriage, we must walk in truth with each other and bring to light what’s hidden. “This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:5-10)
A psychology website says that “some women seem to feel that because their partner watches porn that the woman finds disgusting, scary, or confusing, they have a right to object to him watching it. She has no such right, any more than he has a right to patrol the TV, novels, or videos she watches. In an adult relationship, whatever objection she has to his porn shouldn’t carry more or less weight than his objection to her romance novels or cat videos.” This is absolutely ridiculous! In a marriage, it is not about me anymore, it is about us. We have a spouse who has feelings and has the right to express them. If something bothers a spouse, they have the right to object to it, especially if it hurts the marriage. Otherwise this is not a marriage, we don’t want to be roommates with our spouse! Watching porn and watching cat videos is not the same thing at all, because porn involves so much more than just watching… It goes directly to the soul. It eats us from the inside. It corrupts us. I believe if there are doubts or suspicions, everyone has the right to look for proof and confront their spouse. It would not be right to close our eyes on the issue and ignore it; it would not be loving to let our spouse live in sin. We must do what is right and live in truth. The society wants us to believe that this is okay. It encourages us to be selfish and self-gratify ourselves. Marriage does not mean anything anymore, because we can do whatever we want without any boundaries or morals. If there is an issue in a marriage, it concerns both spouses and it must be addressed!
Now, the question is why, why do husbands watch porn? Let’s look at what husbands and wives answered to this question:
Why do husbands watch porn? (According to women)
“Husbands watch porn because they are not satisfied in bed.”
“Their desires and fantasy expectations are not being met with their wives so they look for it elsewhere.”
“Men are curious about things they don’t do with their wives sexually and wonder what it looks like or what it could be like.”
“Men are lazy and don’t want to take their time connecting with their wives on an emotional level, and want sex to happen fast to release their impulses.”
“Men are stressed and found porn as a stress reliever.”
“They are drawn to what’s considered forbidden or disgusting out of curiosity.”
“They are obsessed with sex and want it everyday!”
“They watch porn because they are weak and can’t control their impulses.”
“Because they were used to it as teenagers and never quit.”
“They watch porn because they are visual. They like to watch a woman’s naked body. Their wives may feel ashamed or not confident enough to let their husband watch their naked body too close. Women on the screen show everything with no shame.”
“They watch porn because they don’t really enjoy sex with their wives or are bored with them.”
Why do husbands watch porn? (According to men)
“Because it’s accessible and interesting.”
“In my point of view, husbands (or men) watch porn because they think more about sex than women. Men have a “penis in their head” instead of a brain. Many men think like that.”
“Men watch porn because they are curious.”
“It can give ideas to spice things up in the bedroom.”
“There are laws that people don’t want to follow and are ashamed to ask their partner about unusual sexual practices, so they satisfy their forbidden fantasies or hidden desires virtually.”
“Honestly it’s not the same for every man. I’ve talked to a lot of guys on this topic over the last 20 years. It seems like marriage helps in this area because as sexual beings, we are able to express our sexuality whereas in singleness it had to be suppressed. Personally, I don’t struggle with porn. But at times when there has been heavy conflict and my wife has been unwilling to reconcile or has been verbally abusive or has withheld sex for a long time, I’ve been tempted the most and have at times given in to the temptation. I don’t think Christian men want to look at porn. The guilt and shame that comes with it is heavy punishment. I would hypothesize that marital issues allow the temptation to increase. Also, although the choice to view it and the fault is in the man, women sometimes do not realize how much power they have to help their husbands avoid this.”
“Pornography is part of a man’s intimacy, it does not interfere with the love he has for his wife at all.”
“A husband watches porn because his wife is not always available.”
“The main goal in watching porn is to relieve ourselves from an immediate impulse.”
Men don’t realize how much pain watching porn causes their spouse. They do not see pornography as a big deal and minimize it. Most of them think it is their own business and their wives should not interfere because it has nothing to do with them. But does it? For a woman, pornography is about personal, relational betrayal. For a man, it is visual temptation. But these beliefs destroy marriages and undermine trust. A woman thinks it is all about her. She thinks it is because her husband does not desire her; she is not pretty enough, not thin enough or sexual enough. She is just not enough since he prefers looking somewhere else to be satisfied without her. Women discover so many new insecurities with themselves because of their husband’s addiction. And they say it is not about them? It is about them; it is about their and their husband’s marriage! It is about their commitment and covenant with each other.
Men don’t understand that it is not “just a video”. They don’t understand that it is not okay and that their addiction impacts so many other areas of their life. Porn kills love, destroys lives and robs us of the sacred intimacy God intended us to have with our spouse! It distances us from our spouse and separates us from God. We have seen so many couples divorcing for the sole reason that the husband is having a porn addiction. This is a very serious issue that needs to be taken care of as soon as possible!
The bottom line is that watching porn is wrong. There is so much social pressure and the culture pushes the worship of sex but as Christians, we know right from wrong. We have the power to say “no” to satan! Our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), we must treat it with honor and respect. We must guard our hearts and minds and keep them pure. Pornography wars against the holy sexual intimacy in our marriages. Pornography takes something that is beautiful between a married man and woman and makes it dirty. God created the act of sexual union as a special gift for a husband and wife. It is a celebration of love that strengthens a marriage and builds oneness. Pornography is a poison to all of these things and we must do everything we can to fight against it.
How to stop watching porn?
The ones who are affected by pornography are too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it. Most of the time, the truth comes out, because they have been caught. Pornography addiction is a secret too heavy to carry alone; it is a problem that needs immediate attention. We must acknowledge that it is never a one-time thing; it is serious and we need help to stop. Fortunately, we don’t have to be slaves anymore, we can break free! The first steps toward freedom are repentance and accountability. Many churches and communities offer help through support group meetings. There are also other ways to get help through counseling, books, websites, apps and accountability programs like https://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/ that have everything we need to be finally set free.
We can say NO to pornography!
If you want to live a porn-free life, start now!
Visit: https://www.xxxchurch.com/
Your husband is watching porn and you don’t know what to do? Visit: equippinggodlywomen.com/marriage/husband-watches-pornography/
A Mind Set Free book by Jimmy Evans: https://store.marriagetoday.com/products/a-mind-set-free-book
4 Stages of Porn Recovery: What Porn Recovery in Marriage Looks Like? Visit: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2020/04/4-stages-of-porn-recovery-what-porn-recovery-in-marriage-looks-like/
Covenant Eyes App: https://www.covenanteyes.com
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