Sacrificial Love And Servanthood In Marriage

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

“Marriage can be a challenge, but it always works best when a husband and wife are committed to serving one another. The strongest marriages begin with two servants in love.” – Jimmy Evans –

Serving our spouse is an easy way to demonstrate love to them that we must practice on a daily basis because it’s when we make our spouse a priority that they feel loved the most. Serving our spouse humbly and seeking to meet their needs is saying: “I am here to take care of you”, instead of “you are here to take care of me.” Marriage is a great opportunity to be an example to others around us and model what Jesus taught us by being committed to serving one another. Serving one another is about selfless sacrificial love. “Have a good and godly marriage that shows the world Christ’s love through how you sacrificially love and serve one another.” – John Stange – When we are both committed to serving one another, we nurture a healthy relationship and build a strong, rock-solid marriage.

Words are not enough when it comes to love because marriage is a covenant of action. Every day, we must show our love for our spouse through our actions. (1 John 3:18) Loving our spouse and caring for them is the greatest gift we can give them. “Supply what your spouse needs in spite of what you need, want or understand” – Jimmy Evans – If we truly love our spouse, we always have their best interest in mind and we desire to serve them. We must not wait or expect to be served but we must serve first, even if we don’t want to because “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35), and because we are not meant to be served, but to serve and to give. (Matthew 20:28)

Love is free, and serving our spouse is an act of love that should be free too! We must never keep score of who served more, “why would I serve you again, you never serve me!” or try to give conditions, “if I do this for you, you do this for me.” Most of us have the tendency to act this way because it is not fair if our needs are not being met too. But we must learn to serve and meet our spouse’s needs, because ultimately it’s Jesus we are serving! We do it out of love even if we don’t always receive anything in return. It’s not easy because two people make a marriage. It’s important that both of us fully participate in serving one another. Yet we must seek the servant heart that comes from Jesus and become like Him. “Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.” (John 13:14-15) Making the effort to serve our spouse will strengthen our relationship and make us grow closer to one another day after day. It is so worth it!

We make the choice to serve our spouse, and when we do, we must also watch our attitude. “There are three possibilities: you can offer to serve the other with joy, you can make the offer with coldness or resentment, or you can selfishly insist on your own way.” – Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage – What message are we communicating when our spouse asks us for something? Do we roll our eyes or groan, do we find excuses to avoid serving them, or do we happily jump at the opportunity? Now, when we ask God to help us, what is His reaction? Does He ignore us, or is He listening and ready to help us no matter what? Let’s think about this for a moment. How would we react if God rolled His eyes every time we asked Him something? So, why would we want to treat our spouse this way? How does acting this way make our spouse feel? Sacrificial love means that we love unconditionally, just like God loves us. It’s an honor to serve our spouse no matter how we feel, because they are our number one priority. Let us serve them with a positive attitude, so they feel loved and cared for even if they don’t deserve it.

Marriage is about meeting our spouse’s needs and not imposing ours on them. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4) Marriage is about “I give to you willingly” instead of “I take from you”. Let’s be the one to ask our spouse how we can serve them, and meet their needs… We must be attentive to our spouse’s needs at all times and jump at every opportunity to meet them. By not making our spouse our top priority, ignoring their needs, and demanding that they serve us will cause them to feel unloved and used. They will eventually fall out of love and in too many instances seek love in other places. “Ignoring our spouse’s needs and expecting a happy marriage is like ignoring your plants and still expecting a beautiful garden.” – Trey and Lea Morgan – 

In marriage, both spouses are equal in value yet we should consider our spouse even more important than ourselves! “The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.” (1 Peter 3:7) We should follow Jesus’ example; He humbled Himself and became a servant. (Philippians 2:5-11) Our goal is to become like Him but it won’t happen if we don’t have His heart and attitude. 

We must never impose our demands on our spouse. “One of our more controlling and abusive instincts, especially in marriage, is making demands.” – Willard F. Harley, Jr., Love Busters, Selfish Demands – Making demands is a habit that can rapidly become abusive. Abusive behavior is never okay; it undermines our spouse and destroys our marriage. “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” (Galatians 5:13) Often, we don’t even know we are being abusive, because we are so used to constantly demanding our way from our spouse. “If you make demands of your spouse and expect obedience, you are being controlling and manipulative. Your spouse will try to escape your abuse, and instead of becoming responsive to your needs, he or she will have as little to do with you as possible.” – Willard F. Harley, Jr., Love Busters, Selfish Demands – Marriage can be challenging at times, but we must always respect our spouse and treat them as the most precious person in the world, because they are! I often repeat the saying, “if you want to be treated like a king, treat your wife like a queen” and vice-versa. This is a choice we make! 

Marriage is about learning how to love, and Jesus showed us how! “Christ’s love for us is an unconditional love, and this is the love we are to seek in marriage.” – Matthew J. White – If we think less about ourselves and become more and more like Jesus; if we change our selfishness into selflessness and commit to serving one another humbly, we are on the road to a thriving and happy marriage! 

For more on how to serve your spouse, listen to How to Serve Your Spouse: The Servant Rules – The Four Laws of Love by Jimmy Evans.