Hope In The Midst Of Heartache

I read the pregnancy test and could not believe it, positive! What? I was totally stunned as my husband Jon and I planned to wait to have kids for a year after we got married, and it had only been a few months! I was shocked and overjoyed by the realization that we had both just become parents. We surprised our families together and took a video of their reactions as we told them they would be grandparents, uncles, and aunties for the first time. It was a joy-filled moment I will never forget. 

We started dreaming about our future, with THREE of us. It was going to be exciting. I thought about letting my job know that in a few months I would be unavailable. I would be a mommy! I anticipated all the changes that were coming our way, but I wasn’t anticipating the journey I was actually in for. 

I started bleeding and called my husband at work, panicking. He met me at the doctor’s office as I tearfully told him I didn’t know what was wrong, but I was very scared. The doctor checked on the baby and said we would have to wait to see what would happen and to hope for the best. I went through rollercoaster weeks of blood draws, checking on HCG levels… Good, ok, good… then the deterioration. Heartbreak. We lost our first baby. I was crushed. I didn’t know how to talk about it. I didn’t really want to. It hurt so deeply, I felt like a part of my heart was just missing. To talk about losing a child… it felt impossible. Like collapsing in gut-wrenching tears or simply saying the words “we lost our baby” with no emotion. Either way, it felt terrible. My body had changed, it took weeks for my body to heal and return to “normal” though nothing felt normal. I poured my heart out to Jesus. He was safe to talk with. I knew He was holding my baby when I couldn’t. I felt Him holding me too, through the grief. The reality of heaven struck me in a new way. Heaven is our home. One day I will go HOME and I get to meet our little one. I know our little one is safe and knows our love. This little one EXISTED and is precious. 

My husband and I then changed our plans. We were so excited about being parents we didn’t want to wait a year, so we decided to try for another baby. And we got pregnant! It felt like a miracle, another baby! We were so excited. I felt a bit worried from our first experience but chose to cling to hope. But then, we lost our second child. I felt numb, overwhelmed, fearful. Physically hurting. I searched for God’s comfort. I poured my tears out to Him. I read the verses about His faithfulness and how He knows the plans He has for us. About how He makes us fruitful and He knows every day before there is even one of them. I knew God loved my child even more than I did. I knew this child was precious to Him too. That He grieved with us. We knew our child was safe with Him. One day, one day, we will meet this little one too. 

It made Heaven so alive to me. It helped me look forward to it, one day. I felt this longing for my children, and I recognized it must be a bit of how God feels about each of us. Longing for us to be with Him, longing to care for us and share His unending love with us. Creating us in His image. I wondered what our children would have looked like? Whose image they most clearly reflected. I painted. I wanted to create something that I could look at and be reminded of beauty in the midst of grief. I wanted to remember God’s promises of fruitfulness. I created a picture for each of our babies. I wanted to honor and protect their memories. I wanted to physically show that their lives mattered. 

We tried again and got pregnant with our third! But heartbreak again as we lost our third baby. We were desperate! There is only a 1% chance of having 3 miscarriages in a row with no medical reason, but we were that 1%. I hated being that 1%. How could things be so terrible? My only experience with giving life was followed by death. I felt trapped in fear and grief. So many layers that I didn’t know how I would make it through to hope. But I knew the only place to find hope and healing was in Jesus. I spent hours reading the Bible and speaking God’s promises out loud to myself. The fear in my heart and mind was so loud that I had to speak the Bible out loud to actually “hear” it. God’s truth was my anchor. It didn’t make the pain magically disappear, but God carried me through the pain.

My story didn’t end there in loss, brokenness, and fear. God took me through to hope, bravery, and trust in His goodness and faithfulness. Healing took longer than I wanted, and it came in waves. Sometimes it happened in a great wave, sometimes like a small trickle, and sometimes I felt nothing at all. I stayed close to Jesus and was honest with Him about where I was at, and He led me through the “valley of tears to the door of hope”. I remember thinking in those moments of grief that I was grateful for all the other challenges in life. Since I had seen God’s faithfulness in smaller things, I was able to trust Him in the bigger ones. Each challenge had prepared me for the next. 

Dear friend, if you are reading this because you find yourself in the middle of heartbreaking loss, I pray that you reach out to God and allow Him to pull you close. Allow Him to walk you through the valley until you get to the door of hope. He is faithful and trustworthy. He promises to be with you, so even if you feel alone, you are not. He is with you. Even when life is painful, confusing, and puts you in the 1%, He is faithful. You can trust in His goodness.

In my season of grief and wondering what the future would hold, not knowing if we would ever give birth to a healthy baby, I never have imagined where we are now. Almost 8 years down the road, we have 4 beautiful, healthy little ones and another one on the way. God is faithful! Whatever your story is right now, don’t give up! It is not the end. God promises to work everything out for our good. He can turn the most painful circumstances this fallen world brings, into such beauty in our hearts and spirits. We still miss our three babies in heaven. And I cried so much writing this that I could hardly see the screen, but I know one day we will get to see them and hold them. In our HOME, in Heaven.