Redeeming Love

No one walks down the aisle on their wedding day, expecting that they will be divorced one day. This is my reality – not once, but twice! I’ve known the Lord since I was 13 years old and when I met my first husband, it was a typical fairy tale romance. I met him and knew him from church. He then moved to another city. Years later, he was visiting my church again and that’s how we reconnected. When we first started dating, he was on leave from tour in Iraq. When he returned to his deployment overseas, we stayed in contact via email, phone calls, and snail mail. After a year of dating, we were married on a rainy December day. Two years into our marriage, we got stationed in Germany. This was the beginning of the end to our whirlwind romance. He swiftly and suddenly ended our marriage by not just committing adultery (for which I was willing to forgive), but by adamantly refusing to work our marriage out. In a short amount of time, he turned his back on our union. Of course, my heart was shattered in an irreparable way. The one person who I thought would never turn their back on me, did.

I can’t say I know what I could have done differently in that marriage. We were both Christians, I was committed to that marriage %110. He completely shocked me when he committed adultery. I prayed and believed God for 2 years for my marriage to be restored (even though he was with the other woman). God had to show me that my ex had a free will, and wasn’t going to change. I never in a million years thought he would do what he did – up until his adultery, we were very close (least I thought we were).

When I met my second husband, I was earnestly seeking to put my life back together. I wanted to focus on my faith in God, and pursue my calling to serve Him in ministry. He appeared to be a very genuine man of God. He was gifted, charismatic, and seemed to love the Lord. He was starting a media ministry, and the opportunity opened up for me to become involved. Over the course of time, others began to put us together as a couple. We were being told right and left, even by pastors, that we should be together. It’s not the first time I’ve heard of people being “matched” in church or Christian settings. From pastors to friends, “confirmation” of God’s will for us seemed evident. I thought, this time I will be married to a man of God – and if he loves God, he will love me. Unfortunately, this turned out to be a far cry from reality. I soon discovered I was married to a man who rejected me to the core of who I was. He was controlling, manipulative, and used God’s word as a weapon to dominate. He was a man that portrayed himself to be one way, but was another. It took 7 years, but I finally broke free from his grasp. In that marriage, I would say that my biggest mistake was “over spiritualizing” it. If I could go back, I would have gotten to really know his character more. I would have slowed everything down a bit and seen if we were truly compatible. After we were married, a whole other side was seen. It ended up being a nightmare, but still I fought for the marriage to “work” by trying to be everything I thought he wanted me to be. Despite all my efforts, I was never really what he wanted. It was a cold, lonely, awful marriage. The basic intimacy in a normal marriage wasn’t there. He had the persona of being a man of God, but behind closed doors it wasn’t so. 

I am now happily married to my third husband, Wilfredo. We have two beautiful children, who are an answer to our prayers. Our relationship was one that started out long distance, initially. We would talk for hours upon hours over the phone, getting to know each other. Wilfredo entered my life at a very crucial time, and I will be forever grateful for God’s hand in guiding us together. I’m thankful Wilfredo gave me a chance, despite my broken past. In Japanese culture, there is a method of mending broken pottery with gold. Even though my life had been shattered in many ways, God has mended me, and I can see the gold that He has lined my life with, despite all its traumas. 

Honestly, the biggest thing I learned through everything I’ve gone through, is how to truly love. True love goes beyond feelings and emotions. Love at its core is a choice you make. And as horrible as those experiences were, I learned to love beyond my capacity, even when the outcomes of each were not what I would have thought or wanted. Despite experiencing betrayal and rejection, God can redeem your story! Trust me, if God can make my once broken past into something beautiful, he can do it for you, too!

The biggest difference with my husband is that we are both in this marriage together; it’s not just me fighting for the marriage and putting in the work. It’s a two-way street (which is what marriage should be.) I do feel my voice is valued in this marriage, and even when we have disagreements, there’s never the thought that we won’t come out of the marriage stronger. In the previous marriages, things were thrown under the rug, not acknowledged, or just simply ignored.

We are coming on 6 years of marriage, and we are definitely stronger today than when we first married. I am very grateful for what God’s has done and continues doing in my life and in my marriage with Wilfredo.