The Baby Bomb

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

We are going to have a baby! 

Finding out that we were going to have our first baby was very exciting news. We were filled with joy; we couldn’t wait to share the news and start going on a name hunt… But many couples don’t often realize what awaits them and get rapidly overwhelmed by all the sudden changes that are happening. It can feel like a bomb has dropped and they don’t really know how to deal with it. They get anxious about everything and they feel lost, especially if they don’t have a good support system. Yes, the family dynamic is going to be different; there will be a time of adjustment, and the creation of a new routine is going to be essential. But everything is going to be okay! New is scary, but new is good! A child brings so much joy to a couple’s life! “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.” (Psalm 127:3) A baby changes everything… for the better! We are never ready to become a parent, but we can welcome this new life by being a little more prepared.

 

Nine months of intense changes: The pregnancy

For some women, pregnancy is amazing. They feel great for the whole nine months and never encounter any major difficulties. For others, having a baby is not as easy as anticipated and could become very stressful. But with her husband’s support and good organization, a woman’s pregnancy can be very smooth.

 

The morning sickness

Who on earth decided on the morning sickness? I would rather say the all-day sickness that doesn’t end at night instead! Women will think they are going to be sick only in the morning and have a normal day after that. This is a lie! At least it is not what I experienced with my pregnancies. I was sick right away; all morning, all day and all night for three months! I was just miserable. So I was very disappointed when I realized I was not going to be sick only in the morning. I felt horrible and did not seem to be able to function properly. I had to survive one day after the other until it eventually went away… There is even worse: some women throw up too! Blessed are the ones who never felt sick, I am very envious!

Having the morning sickness means not wanting to eat, or not even think about eating. I felt disgusted by food, just the smell of it made me sick. But because our baby needs energy to grow healthy, we have to force ourselves to eat, and it’s the worst! I stuffed down saltine crackers with tears in my eyes until I could upgrade to the cinnamon graham crackers! Yay! Sipping on lemon water was literally the only thing I could do easily. And to ease that awful nausea, (sometimes I wished I could throw up so I would at least feel better for a minute), I sucked on vitamin B6 lollipops. These helped me a lot! Then, I just hung in there until the three-month mark hit and I could feel like myself again. But if you really can’t keep food in your stomach, you have to call the doctor because it can be very dangerous for your baby. Husbands fill up the pantry with crackers because this is going to be your wife’s only meals for a little while!

 

Intense fatigue

With the never-ending morning sickness comes fatigue. It is not the tiredness we know that a nap can fix; oh no! It is more like you just woke up but can’t stay awake for more than 30 minutes kind of tired. It’s a fatigue you can’t fight against. The only solution is sleep, and you gotta sleep now! In the beginning of pregnancy, a woman needs a lot of sleep. Husbands, you must be understanding, your wife is growing a human inside of her! She needs to rest (especially if she is working), so step up and help out as much as you can! It is a time where you’ll discover you have skills you never thought you had. You will even surprise yourself at times!

 

Emotional outbursts

There is more! Husbands, you really need to be prepared for this one: pregnancy makes your wife cry… a lot! Yes, and for no apparent reason! Don’t take it personally though, hormones are to blame. With all the physical changes, emotions are hard to control. It’s not because we are sad or depressed; it’s our body telling us it is overwhelmed by everything that is happening and needs time to adjust… It just takes about three months! So, don’t be surprised if your wife cries over a bar soap or gets too sensitive. Hang in there, this too shall pass!

 

Insomnia

Once the baby is big enough and starts to move around and literally move everything that is around, it can become uncomfortable to sleep at night. All my babies moved the most while I was lying in bed, trying to sleep. I had a hard time falling asleep and eventually started to struggle with insomnia. I found that jumping on the stationary bike was helping me a lot, way better than counting sheep! I would also read a book or my Bible. Some recommend breathing technics, relaxation or stretching exercises… I also decided to step away from the bedroom for a time because of my husband’s loud snoring! But if your insomnia causes you to have anxiety or becomes severe, you should be checked by your doctor. And don’t hesitate to wake your husband up and ask for help too. A husband’s prayer can be very powerful, and his embrace can be very comforting!

 

Weird cravings

Our body is changing, it is adjusting to this new baby who takes all our energy to grow. Emotions are uncontrollable, sleep is disturbed, our stomach is upset… And suddenly, we feel hungry again. We not only want food again, but a very specific kind of food. It is called a craving. I remember wanting avocado and strawberries all the time! I had to send my husband to the store many times! How sweet and patient he was! Husband, be prepared to go on “craving trips” and weird food hunts! It’s for your baby!

 

Plan ahead

Not everyone is blessed with family members living close-by, who can bring meals to help out. So I highly recommend preparing meals in advance and freezing them. As soon as I had a burst of energy sometime during the day, cooking made me think of something else than my misery; and I baked a lot of pizzas and other easy meals that I froze. This saved me time and sanity and I would not worry about fixing something because I would just take it out from the freezer. My husband would grab slices of pizza to bring to work for his lunch, and I did not have to cook for myself while feeling sick and tired. It really helped a lot! And having paper plates around might be helpful too, as it is less clean up to do afterward!

 

Sex becomes challenging

With the belly growing bigger and bigger and being in the way, intimacy can be very tricky. Regular cuddles and sex can no longer be what they used to. It’s okay though, it’s a fun way to be inventive and try new positions! Often, the husband is afraid to hurt the baby and doesn’t feel comfortable having sex. His wife will have to reassure him that it is absolutely safe! Couples can also seek medical advice if it causes too much anxiety. And if sexuality is not recommended during pregnancy, the spouses will have to find other ways to demonstrate affection to stay connected to each other.

After the baby is born, sexuality will be inexistent for about 6 weeks or until the doctor gives the green light. Often, the husband feels left out and forgotten. All his wife’s attention goes towards the new baby, and it can lead to frustrations and feelings of rejection. Wives, try to make time for your husband, make him feel special and important. Try to give him attention too… 

And once the spouses can be intimate again, it will not be the same as before. That is something nobody told me. A woman’s body changes a lot after a pregnancy. Everything needs to be handled with care, gentleness and a lot of patience because it hurts! If sex becomes difficult, do not be ashamed, take your time, take a break and then try again.

 

The birth

A woman becomes a mother as soon as she knows she is pregnant. She has a special bond with her baby because the baby is a part of her… So, when the baby is born, there already is a strong connection between the two. For men, it is different. My husband says that he became a father the moment the baby was born, because he was finally able to bond with it. Even if he talked to the baby while in the womb, he says that holding it and the emotions that come with it really is something indescribable. 

The baby we were impatiently expecting is finally here! The best day of our life! But it’s is going to be the most difficult first few weeks of our life too! The new mother is going to be exhausted and very busy… Husband, offer your help, even if you are clumsy and don’t know what to do! Be involved as much as you can; that way, you can bond with your baby and you won’t feel useless. Be curious, ask questions, change diapers, offer to take the baby for a while so your wife can rest… This is huge, you have no idea!

 

Postpartum 

A few hours after delivering a baby, new mothers might get what we call the “baby blues.”  Some women don’t have it though. I got it with my three kids, and it was horrible. It is a feeling that is hard to define, because we are so happy to finally hold our baby. At the same time, we feel a heavy sadness we can’t control. So we cry… a whole lot! Husband, don’t take it personally, don’t keep your distance just because you don’t know what to do to help. Instead, be there for your wife, try to understand, console, ask what she needs, how you can help… Do not leave her crying unless she wants to. Sometimes, just a silent hug is enough! 

Yes, it’s the hormones again. And the fatigue. And all the emotions a baby can bring with. But for me, it was more than that, especially with my third baby. It was grief. With my first born, when I met him, I felt like he was a different baby than the one I had in my belly. It was so hard understanding that he was gone but here at the same time. It was very difficult for me. With my second baby, it was okay; I knew what to expect and it lasted only two weeks. But with my last one, the grief was deep. I missed my belly, I missed her moving in there, I really was sad and down most of the time. I felt an immense emptiness in my heart but also in my body. I felt like I lost her. I had to grieve my pregnancy. I cried a lot. I did not seem to get out of it, and I developed postpartum depression. Most women don’t even know they have it. But I recognized the symptoms and I knew when it was coming. I told my husband every time I felt down, so he would watch me and act on it if it had gone out of hand. He did everything he could to cheer me up and it helped very much. Fortunately for me, the depression went away after a few months without having to see a doctor. I am thankful for my husband’s support and my friends’ prayers. I was not isolated, and I had a good support system. Maybe that’s why it went away on its own…

Postpartum depression is a very serious health issue that needs to be checked out by a doctor. Mothers have killed themselves while struggling with it. Husbands need to be aware of that illness and must detect the symptoms to help their wives before it’s too late.

 

Self-esteem and body image

Our bodies go through a lot of changes during the pregnancy and also a great deal of physical pain and trauma to deliver the baby. It is going to need time to heal. We are now a mother, but we also are still a woman, and looking in the mirror after having had a baby is terrifying. Some changes that had happened during the pregnancy will never go back to the way it was before, and that’s okay. I think it is beautiful to be able to read our children’s story on our body. After a few months, we will be able to feel like ourselves again, and we will still be attractive and desirable to our husband. That’s good news! I truly believe that a husband’s words to his wife about her body are very important. He can help her gain her self-esteem back. He needs to encourage his wife, to uplift her, and make her know she still is the most beautiful woman in the world! We also need to be kind to ourselves and very patient. Come on, we are heroines! We grow humans and we deliver them to the world, how incredible and special is that! And what amazes me the most is that we do it again!

 

Ask for help

This one is very important! Do not be afraid to ask for help. I know it is hard to admit we need help, but we will be glad we asked. Having a new baby is overwhelming, it’s okay to ask a neighbor or a friend to bring a meal once in a while. Some churches organize a meal train for families who just had a baby. This is a wonderful idea! We were blessed by it and it was amazing! It is so helpful, and it makes us feel so loved and cared for… Do not hesitate to ask someone to come watch the baby while you take a bath or catch up on your sleep. Ask someone to do grocery shopping for you or watch the baby while you go on a date with your husband… Ask your mom to come for a few weeks and help with the laundry and house cleaning… Anything really! If you need anything, simply ask. There is always somebody willing to help!

 

Try not to worry

There are a lot of things we can worry about while having a baby. Most of the time, these worries are natural and legitimate, but not necessary. Doubting ourselves if we are going to be a good parent for example. I personally think that parenting is very hard. We just have to trust our judgment, do what we can and give our very best. We also need to stop comparing ourselves to others because every family is unique so is every parenting style.

The second struggle I hear couples have before starting to have kids is about money. Some of them are worried that a baby will jeopardize their finances. I believe that the possibility of having a child should not be associated with money at all. I mean, of course we need money to raise a kid but we, the parents, are in control of it. If we worry too much about wanting to stabilize in this area before having kids, it might be too late or might never happen. There are many ways to save money or get help if it really is a big deal. But don’t restrain yourself to have a family because of your relationship with money; it is not worth it. When you’ll die, the only thing you will have with you in Heaven is your family, not your money!

Another issue I noticed couples have is fear. Fear is in a way natural. Because we are now having a child, it means that we must protect it. We will worry every day, especially us, mothers. Because we love our children so much, we don’t want harm to happen to them, ever. We want to protect them (and we often overprotect them and smother them as a result.) But we need to trust God, because we don’t make children for ourselves; they are not ours, they belong to God. They will make their own choices; they will make mistakes. It is our job as parents, to guide them and help them the best we can to make them become good people and followers of Jesus. So, try not to worry too much, because fear eats you from the inside.

 

Being a parent is not easy, and it does not come with an instruction manual! But we can share what we learned, and it just might help other people.

Welcome to parenthood!