The Different Love Languages

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

We know that men and women are two very different individuals who don’t communicate the same way. This also means that they love and receive love differently. In marriage, it is very important to know what makes our spouse feel loved and what doesn’t. We must make every effort to love our spouse and fill their emotional needs the way they need it no matter how hard and unnatural it is for us. This is because the way we love our spouse affects everything in our marriage. 

Unconditional love is always the key in marriage, and if we love well, our relationship can only grow better! Unconditional love is the choice to love someone no matter how they treat us. Let us not say we will treat our spouse better only when they will treat us better. We must look beyond our personal world and start seeing our spouse and ask ourselves what we can do to love them better. We must look every day for opportunities to express love not only with words but also with actions. “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” (1 John 3:18)

Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages, tells us that the love languages are tools to guide us to love our spouse well so we will have a fruitful and happy marriage: “Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.” So, we have to learn what our spouse’s love language is and speak it every day if we want a successful marriage. We must start each day asking ourselves what ways we can be more loving towards our spouse instead of asking what they can do for us. If we do something for our spouse, we must do it with a good attitude, without expecting anything in return; we must do it out of love. Then it becomes a sacrifice, not a duty; it becomes an act of love that is meaningful to our spouse. It means we are forgetting about ourselves, and we are putting our spouse’s needs first. We make them a priority and this is what matters. “Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. When speaking our spouse’s love language, and it does not come naturally for us, it is a greater expression of love. A proof that we get out of our comfort zone to forget about ourselves and please our spouse.” – Gary Chapman – This is what marriage is all about. This is unconditional love!

Let’s discover how we can love our spouse better and please them using the different love languages:

1 – Words of affirmation

“Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.” – Gary Chapman – 

Making our spouse feel loved is so easy and yet we don’t do it easily. We often take our spouse for granted and forget to show our appreciation or we assume they don’t need it anymore. Lifting each other up by doing simple things like writing notes, sending text messages, or voicing our appreciation and devotion to one another is a beautiful way to show our love for one another.

For example, a husband needs to hear from his wife that he is a good provider, that she trusts his judgments, and appreciates his leadership… It’s a lot of pressure for a man to be the leader of a family and sometimes, women don’t realize how stressful it can be. Showing and telling our husband our gratitude, letting him know he is on our mind during the day, or making him feel special through kind words will mean a lot to him.

“When my wife tells me she appreciates everything I do for our family, it lets me know she is happy and that I am doing things right.” – Peter –

A woman feels loved when her husband tells her she is beautiful, that she is a wonderful wife and mother; that he is excited to come home after work to be with her; that he appreciates her company and friendship; that she is good at something… Women also enjoy love notes and letters! Writing something on the bathroom mirror or putting a note in her purse to be discovered later during the day, or a text saying “I love you”… will make her feel so special and cared for!

“I love when my husband tells me compliments because it makes me feel confident when I don’t believe in myself.” – Martha –

There are so many ways to show love through words of affirmation. We must do it often because it lifts up our spirit and soothes our hearts! 

 

2 – Quality time

“Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person.” – Gary Chapman –

Quality time is a powerful communicator as well. During this time, the spouses remove any distractions and can commit 100% of their attention to each other which is so important. Quality time is the love language that centers around togetherness and oneness; it initiates communication and intimacy. It leads to spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. If we do not take the time to connect with our spouse on an emotional level, our marriage will fall apart. Without emotional connection, love will die. Spending time together opens the door to conversations, about where we are at as a couple and as individuals. It allows us to share together about our dreams and our plans for our marriage and family… It’s when we share our hearts with each other. It’s when we can be vulnerable and express our desires, fears, and struggles. It’s an opportunity to lift each other up, pray together, and love each other in a deeper way.

Quality time also means having fun together like doing an activity we both enjoy. It is not necessarily about serious conversations all the time! The purpose of this love language is to connect and stay connected with our spouse no matter how we decide to spend this time together. We need quality time every day to feed this connection that keeps us close; it keeps love alive and our relationship strong!

“When we have quality time as a couple, we definitely feel closer to one another emotionally. We both enjoy each other’s company very much.” – Ray & Elizabeth –

 

3 – Acts of service

“Life is filled with opportunities to express love by acts of service.” – Gary Chapman –

This love language is about doing anything that can make our spouse feel appreciated or make their life easier. It’s about doing things without being asked to do them. It’s about spontaneity and thoughtfulness. Overlooking an act of service is in a way disrespecting our spouse if we know this is their love language. In marriage, our goal is to bless our spouse and look for ways to bless them, not to irritate them. Taking the trash out, helping with the kids, or picking up after ourselves without being asked will mean the world to the spouse who’s love language is acts of service. If it is not easy for one of the spouses to speak this language, yet they do it, it is even more special because it means “I don’t like to do it, but I try anyway because I choose to love you more.” It’s all about mindfulness and unselfishness! Serving one another is a two-way street. Giving a hand to make their life better and their load lighter can be huge! The other spouse will feel respected, appreciated, valued, and well-loved! Helping is caring; serving is honoring. Every day is an opportunity to help and honor our spouse by expressing love through acts of service!

“When my husband helps with chores or the kids without me asking, it shows me that he sees me, that he cares about me and doesn’t treat me as the only one who does things around the house.” – Angie –

 

4 – Physical touch

“Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship, it is used to communicate emotional love.” – Gary Chapman –

Most people often confuse this love language with sex. Yes, sex is part of it, but physical touch as a love language is not all about sex. It is a non-sexual affection; it’s an emotional connection. A hug, a kiss, a massage, holding hands, cuddling on the couch… can be expressions of love that are just as meaningful to our spouse. It is saying “I touch you without thinking about what you can give me with your body but because I want to show you I value you and cherish you.” Physical touch is a way to connect emotionally with our spouse and it is even more meaningful for a woman than sex because women desire that emotional bond; this is how they were designed. Men don’t need affection as much as they need sex! Non-sexual affection for a woman is as important as sex is for a man. Jimmy Evans says that “women really need the comfort and security of non-sexual touching, but the more soft and non-sexual men are, the more sexual women become.” That is very true because there is emotional intimacy between them and their husband and that is what matters first for a woman. Once this emotional need is filled, then she can fully give herself to her husband in a sexual way. Women do crave sex too. It is very good and healthy to desire each other sexually, but we have to remember that physical touch is an entire language and is much more than just sexual touch. We must tell our spouse what touches we like and are meaningful to us, in what circumstances, time, and place… and what touches we don’t like or annoy us. Let’s become each other’s teachers; let’s learn from one another and practice physical touch a different way!

“I love holding my wife’s hand when we go on walks or while driving in the car.” – Matt –

“When my husband holds me, I feel like the most important woman in the world!” – Karen –

5 – Receiving gifts

“Gifts need not be expensive; after all, “it’s the thought that counts.” But I remind you, it is not the thought left in your head that counts; it is the gift that came out of the thought that communicates emotional love.” – Gary Chapman –

Receiving a gift makes us feel so special. It means “I love you and I want to show you that you are special to me.” A gift is an expression of the love we have for our spouse. And if our spouse’s love language is receiving gifts, it is even more meaningful to them. Thinking about our spouse, thinking about what pleases them, taking the time to choose a gift they will like… All the thought and effort behind the gift are what makes it so special! Men do not understand how much gifts mean for a woman. They immediately think of something useless, expensive, or extravagant. Yes sometimes, a gift must be all of these things depending on the circumstances, but most of the time, a love note, flowers, chocolate, or a gift card to their favorite coffee shop is plenty enough! A simple gift can fill their spouse’s heart with so much joy and love! I think husbands should give a gift to their wives once a month, not only on special occasions, because every day is an occasion to celebrate love! 

“I love it when my husband surprises me with gifts on random days, it makes me feel loved and appreciated as a wife.” – Ashley –

 

6 – Food 

“Food brings people together on many different levels. It’s nourishment of the soul and body; it’s truly love.” – Giada De Laurentiis –

Believe it or not, there is a 6th love language! I kept asking my husband what his love language was, and he said none of the ones listed above fit him (even though I personally think he needs a little bit of all of them!) But he said that his love language was food and this is not the first time I hear this! He sounds a little bit like his dad, coming from an Italian family where food was used as a way to give love. I definitely understand that, because my own dad comes from the same type of family. Food really is a love language! I am very grateful that God gifted me with the passion for baking because with the husband He gave me, I need it! Anyway, some people feel loved when their spouse cooks them nice meals or bring them to a restaurant. When one spouse takes the time to look for recipes or dishes their spouse will like and actually makes them, is a great way to show love. Surprising them with a new restaurant to try or sticking to their spouse’s favorite place for a date will make them feel special. (Of course, loving our spouse also means being wise and not feeding them unhealthy food all the time!) But it is true, eating food together brings us closer; it is a way to connect with each other. Actually, all of the 5 languages can be expressed with food: Cooking a dish for our spouse is an act of service and eating meals together is spending quality time. It is an occasion to receive a gift, say words of affirmations, and practice (non-sexual) physical touch! 

“I feel really loved when my wife cooks or bakes special things for me, it proves that she cares for me and wants to please me. It makes me feel so special!” – Max –

 

Speaking our spouse’s love language means being attentive to their needs and willing to meet them. Couples may have different love languages and can feel very dissatisfied or unloved when their preferred language is not used enough by their spouse. Learning our spouse’s love language is a process that takes effort, intentionality, and communication. We must do everything we can to make our spouse a priority, to please them, and love them unconditionally. Our marriage relationship will be healthier and our love for one another stronger! 

If you want to know what your or your spouse’s love language is, take the quiz here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/