The Time Of The Engagement

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

The time of the engagement is a very special time for any young couple who is ready for marriage. The soon-to-be-wed couple is going to use this time to learn about each other and move towards oneness. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

To start marriage on a good foundation, the engaged couple needs to know one another in more detail by learning about their different character, qualities and personalities, both good and bad. They will focus on nurturing and growing their friendship into a partnership by developing healthy skills rooted in godly principles.

 

A time to prepare

The engagement time is not all about the wedding preparations. The couple must look beyond the wedding day and talk about their future together, about what they envision for their life as a couple after the wedding. This is very important, because a lot of couples get so excited about their wedding but once it’s over, they realize marriage is not as easy as they imagined. Too many couples focus too much on the wedding and are actually not prepared for the marriage itself. 

Getting solid, biblical marriage counseling or classes from people who are mature in their faith and in marriage is such a blessing, every couple should take advantage of it. These people will help guide the young couple through difficulties or doubts they might encounter. They will be available to give wise advice, answer any questions they might have, pray for them and accompany them on this exciting journey… The couple will meditate on marriage, get incredibly useful tips for their relationship, pray for one another and learn how to honor and serve God as a couple… They will acquire the tools they need to start their marriage on a solid foundation.

 

A time for conversation

Being engaged means that a couple is planning to commit themselves to one another for the rest of their lives. To fully commit to someone, they must know each other and be sure that they are the right person for each other. They get to know each other by spending time together and having conversations on a wide range of subjects. This is where they learn about each other’s qualities and flaws, strengths and weaknesses… This is where they discover things they did not know before. This is where they test their communication skills and reactions to circumstances but also learn to handle disagreements and arguments by resolving conflicts in an effective manner… (How arguments are handled will determine the success or failure of their communication skills.)

Having these conversations will help them develop the essential skills and traits they’ll need for a healthy marriage. A successful relationship is based on good communication that needs to be cultivated as they grow in love together.

 

A time to talk about the future

A couple needs to be on the same page regarding marriage. It’s crucial. They must decide from the beginning what they envision for their future together. If they both want children for example; how will they want to raise them and what are the values, faith, and traditions they want to teach them… How long do they want to wait before having children and the whole issue of contraception. With marriage comes a lot of responsibilities and having children is a major one of them.

Finances are another important aspect of marriage that must be discussed in advance. For example, deciding if they are both going to work or not. How will they approach debt. What are their priorities and do they have a clear plan… It’s important to be honest about their own feelings and priorities about money and come to agreement on how they are going to manage it together ahead of time. 

They must also talk about their dreams and aspirations and share their fears, doubts, and hesitations… Their future is greatly impacted by these decisions, so it is very important to discuss these subjects and be in agreement with one another from the beginning to avoid misunderstandings. 

 

A time to talk about sex

Sex is a delicate subject yet it needs to be discussed openly and freely early in the relationship. Because it is such an important aspect of marriage, the couple must talk about it, so they know what to expect. Some people have been raised with the idea that sex is forbidden, dirty, or bad; they feel ashamed to even mention it. The fiancés must be vulnerable enough to approach this conversation with their future spouse without feeling uncomfortable, because sex is something very beautiful that they will share together once married. 

Reading books on the subject and learning as much as possible about sex and basic anatomy before getting married would be highly recommended. (Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage by Ed MD Wheat and Gaye Wheat.) I’ve heard stories about ruined wedding nights where one or both of the spouses didn’t know what to do, felt very awkward being naked in front of each other, and did not talk about it for days. Yes, it is unknown territory, but they must at least know some things. It is good to ask questions, do some research and to educate themselves! There is nothing dirty about this!

Couples must have an open and honest conversation regarding sex and intimacy where they can share their fears and struggles. This is the right time to tell their future spouse if they were abused in the past for example, and what they associate sex with (pain, fear, punishment, shame…) This is also the right time to share struggles with pornography. This is a sensitive topic but so important to discuss, because it will affect their marriage and intimacy if it is not dealt with as soon as possible. A woman should not have to find out her husband is struggling with pornography on her wedding night! The less unknowns which are brought into the marriage, the better the marriage will be!

 

A time to learn about patience and self-control

Sex is a natural thing, designed by God for a married couple to enjoy together, to deepen their relationship along with creating children. Of course when in love, couples think a lot about sex! They are attracted to each other physically, and it is absolutely normal to feel this way. Because they love each other so much, they want to feel close in a physical way. They feel a whole lot of emotions and want to express them by having sex with the one they desire. The good news is that their bodies are functioning properly! But if these desires are not handled properly they can easily get out of control and fail to wait until the wedding night to have sex. Learning self-control before marriage carries benefits into marriage. On the opposite, the lack of self-control will negatively affect the relationship. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

Though there are no rules, the couple must be careful about becoming too involved in physical touch too quickly. “His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me! I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 2:6-7) Having a desire to engage in a sexual relationship with the one they are about to marry is completely healthy, but the engaged couple needs to exercise self-control. “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:9) Temptation is not a lack of self-control, giving in to temptation is.

Being engaged does not mean that all physical contact is forbidden, it mainly means that there is a proper time for everything. Sex is not a game and engaged couples should take it very seriously. The Bible tells us that love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4), the couple must be patient and wait to be married before having sex. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2) This is important to understand because being engaged does not necessarily mean that the couple will go ahead with marriage. Engagement is not marriage; there is no guarantee that they will get married. Sometimes, the wedding is called off and the couple breaks their engagement. Sexual intercourse is what consummates the marriage. Having sex while engaged is outside of the marriage commitment; this is not the way God designed it. The sexual act is intended for the marital relationship because it makes two people one; it seals the relationship and bounds the couple forever. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” ( Matthew 19:6) Sex should happen only in the context of commitment because it provides a safe place for both the husband and the wife. Engaged couples have not committed to living their lives together in a faithful lifelong union, that’s not the definition of being engaged. Married couples have made that commitment.

The time of the engagement is more about focusing on connecting on an emotional, spiritual, and personal level rather than rushing things and being physical right away. The couple needs to set up boundaries and avoid putting themselves in situations that could lead them to giving in to temptation as a mutual decision. They can look forward to the wedding night and view this special moment as a wedding gift from God, a fulfillment of their promise to one another.

 

A time to seek God and pray together

The engagement is a promise of a couple’s commitment. It means couples engage to commit to each other to prepare for marriage. It is a promise of love for each other that reflects God’s love and promise for them. Putting God in the center of their relationship is essential for a solid marriage. Praying together as a couple is a habit they should adopt and practice often. It allows them to bond and grow together as one. It will build spiritual intimacy which they need to have a rock-solid marriage. Praying together will make their relationship stronger and draw them closer to God and to each other. 

While praying together, they can thank God for bringing them together, and ask Him to bless their union. They can ask Him to help them be patient and guide them through every step of their engagement. To teach them to love one another as Christ loves them (John 13:34), and that they entrust Him completely with their lives. That they want Him to be the rock which they desire their marriage to be built on. (Matthew 7:24-27) That He will be their comfort through dark seasons (Psalm 23), and their joy during happy times. (Psalm 28:7) They can ask Him to make their home a blessed place filled with His Holy Spirit. To teach them how to become a model to others as a godly couple which serves and honors Him. To make of them a blessing to others, and to help them spread His love through their marriage’s example. (Matthew 5:16) 

 

Marriage is such a wonderful adventure! Using this engagement period to build a solid foundation from the start and to prepare for a life-long future together, is the beginning of many blessings that are yet to come!