Tips To Have Good Sex With Your Wife

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO 

 

Help her 

Most husbands don’t think that helping their wives with chores or the kids is a big deal but it really is. They have no idea how much it can reward them later. Seeing her husband cook, do the dishes, vacuum, or bathe the kids is very attractive for a woman. When a husband moves out of his comfort zone for his wife, it is attractive. When a husband shows with actions that he loves and cares for his wife outside the bedroom, it is attractive. Wearing an apron or gloves once in a while is not degrading at all. It is proof of care and love every husband should be proud of. (And it is very sexy too!) Caring is loving, and when a woman feels cared for, she matters, and her husband notices her and is genuinely willing to help her…she wants to please him in return! “Good sex is an all-day affair. You can’t treat your wife like a servant and expect her to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your wife’s sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids’ homework, or that leaky faucet that drips throughout the night.” – Dr. Kevin Leman – 

If a husband wants to have good quality sex regularly, he needs to help his wife so she can have energy for him in the bedroom (see 4 Reasons Why She Does Not Want To Have Sex #2 – Fatigue / Exhaustion). If a wife has energy for sex, she is more willing to participate; she is more engaging and fun, and most of all, she enjoys it. She might even say she wants more! Every husband wants a wife who is happy and excited about sex. If a husband can support his wife with some of the house responsibilities, sex won’t be something she dreads but rather something she looks forward to as the best part of her day!

 

Pursue her and fulfill her

After asking a few women in my circle, I learned that most of their husbands “just lay there” naked waiting for their wives to “do the work”. Even though this is kind of funny, it also shows men are lazy. They do not know or understand women’s bodies as well as they think they do. We all know that men are visual, bare skin triggers them. They then assume that it does the same for women. But just the fact of being naked in front of their wife won’t make their heart beat faster. Women need to feel loved to make love. They need to feel connected to their husband physically but most importantly, emotionally. This means that they want to be pursued. They want their husband to talk to them, to devour them with their eyes, and to touch them with their hands and lips… They do not want to be the only ones participating in lovemaking. They need action from their husband in order to awaken their body to passion! Yes, it is okay to lay in bed and let the wife start, but it should not stop there. If the husband is not an active participant as well, sex will be boring. One cannot only receive and not give. It takes two people to make love.

Another thing I noticed from talking to wives is that when the husband reaches climax before his wife, everything stops and the wife is left empty and frustrated. This is an issue every couple should talk about, because sex is for both spouses to enjoy FULLY. How would men feel if it had to suddenly stop in the middle of intense passion? They would be very frustrated. The same is true for women! 

But what if I told you it doesn’t have to be this way…

Reaching climax (or orgasm) at the same time is very hard to achieve though possible with a lot of practice and self-control. It is not his fault if the husband finishes before his wife, but when it happens, he needs to focus on his wife next because her body is still boiling. Some people will say that giving too much importance to pleasure and orgasms is turning the focus away from the emotional and spiritual connection a couple has during sex, that it is selfish and therefore wrong. God created sex and He decided that pleasure and orgasms come with it. So why not enjoy this gift to the fullest? Why would the husband enjoy sex alone and not his wife? This is not fair. 

A man can do plenty of other things to please his wife until she reaches climax too! She just needs to tell him and teach him. Women just take longer to get there, and men need to be patient and understanding. A wife can teach her husband new techniques or caresses that are pleasurable to her and guide him to help her reach climax. Exploring together is a fun way for the spouses to get to know each other’s bodies better and bring them closer to one another. Their sex life will be more interesting and fulfilling; the way it was designed to be. No one will be left frustrated. 

 

Do not get angry when she says no

Some husbands get angry when their wife is “not in the mood”. They get angry and feel rejected because their need is not being met immediately. Making a big issue of it will definitely not help the wife change her mind. Before getting frustrated and angry, or making faulty assumptions, the husband needs to understand why his wife denied him sex. Otherwise he might start believing that he is not attractive enough, that his feelings and desires are not important, or she does not care and therefore she does not love him. Generally, the wife has a good reason for saying no. She does not say no to hurt or reject her husband. Sometimes it’s not time for sex, because the kids are around, she is busy, feeling sick or is tired. And again, she needs to feel connected to her husband before having sex with him. Sex alone is not what a wife wants. She needs emotional intimacy first. She needs to feel close to her husband emotionally before having sex.  

Let’s take an example: The husband is out of state for work for a few days. His wife has to handle the kids at home by herself. Her days are stressful and exhausting. When her husband comes back home, he sees his wife and wants to have sex with her right away. He did not kiss her or talk to her. He does not ask her how she is doing or how things went while he was away… He just wants to have sex. She says no, so he gets angry and gives her the cold shoulder for several days. 

If her husband does not change his response, she’ll have no desire to be intimate with him and only makes her more distant and less likely to engage in sex. Trying to manipulate her will make him go nowhere and will actually make things worse. “Telling the woman, I’ll stop being angry if you are intimate and affectionate is a form of coercion. No woman wants to feel coerced which heightens her defenses. Sex, intimacy, affection, and anger are becoming weaponized. […] She built walls, her defenses, for a reason. Tearing down those walls takes time and effort. In a woman’s mind, angry men can’t be trusted. In the man’s mind, an unaffectionate woman strikes at his core and is a constant reminder that he’s no longer good enough.” – An Attorney  – 

The husband should respect his wife’s decision. And the next time he asks for sex, she might actually say yes because he respected her enough not to become angry the last time she said no. 

Sex is one of the principal subjects for conflict in marriages. Both spouses must communicate their feelings and expectations to each other. They must try to understand one another and be able to talk calmly and respectfully. Being angry will only make things worse and sex less frequent. It takes two people to build intimacy, and it requires a lot of work and understanding. Each spouse must know each others’ needs and be willing to do what it takes to meet them. But they must remember that it goes both ways. Both spouses must work towards this goal. Enjoying a healthy and fulfilling sex life starts with healthy communication.