Trust & Transparency

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

In marriage, trust is a very big deal. Husband and wife have to trust each other to have a marriage that will last. They must trust one another emotionally and physically as well as being completely transparent with one another. Where there is trust, there is transparency. Transparency is the result of trust. Trust builds and maintains the marriage. It is a commitment that pairs up with faithfulness. “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.” (1 Corinthians 4:2) When trust is given to us, we have to honor it by proving that we are trustworthy and therefore, faithful. Trust is a strong foundation of marriage; without it, a marriage will suffer. We see so many marriages crumble because trust has been broken. But it’s never too late, marriages can be restored!

God created marriage to be a relationship of complete unity and transparency. This is the way it was between Adam and Eve until Satan came to deceive them… In marriage, everything we do directly affects our spouse. We are responsible for our behaviors, our words, and our actions. This is why we desperately need good communication in our marriage to avoid breaking the trust that holds it together. If we are not transparent and don’t cultivate trust within our marriage, it will open the door to sin and it will become dangerous to our relationship. So, from the very beginning we must talk about our insecurities, our fears, and struggles with trust issues… We must explain how important trust means to us and how breaking it could directly affect us and our marriage. In marriage, we protect each other’s hearts and do trustworthy actions as an assurance of our commitment to one another. If we are not willing to be trustworthy, marriage is not for us!

When we lack trust in our marriage and we don’t communicate about it, we open the door for suspicion. Suspicion is very harmful to the relationship. Suspicion kills love. “If you don’t communicate it leaves space for suspicion.” – Joyce Meyer – There is no place for secrets in marriage. Secrets destroy marriages and ruin relationships. Transparency is key! We must always be transparent with our spouse and we must always tell the truth so there’s no opportunity for suspicions and mistrust… We should never hide anything from our spouse because the truth always comes out sooner or later anyway. “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.” (Luke 8:17) 

We should not presume or assume anything about our spouse either. If we are jealous for example, we should first ask ourselves why and where this jealousy comes from. Sometimes it is the result of insecurities; the way we were raised or what we observed with our parents… We project these insecurities onto our spouse, and if we do not talk about it, it quickly becomes unhealthy. We can’t put this kind of burden on our spouse rather this is an issue that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Jealousy can destroy a relationship. It is very important to be able to trust our spouse and be reassured that they are trustworthy.

The enemy will try to get in our mind. He will whisper lies about our spouse and cause us to become suspicious and mistrustful of them. This is why it is necessary to talk about it. If we feel something is not right, we should be honest enough to address the issue directly with our spouse. 

We owe the truth to our spouse. When we are in the wrong, we can’t hide forever. We will be discovered and exposed. We will feel naked and ashamed… Just like Adam and Eve! Sometimes in marriage, one of the spouses fails to be trusted; they must face their responsibilities and be accountable for their actions. Depending on the situation, the spouses will have to talk through the issue together. If they don’t know how to deal with it, involving a trusted third party is a wise decision.

When trust is broken, it might feel like the world is ending. We feel betrayed; our heart is crushed, and we don’t really know how to react. What should we do when it happens? Luke 17:3-4 says: “So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”” 

First of all, we must not panic! I know it is easy to say, but we must keep calm. It is necessary to take a step back and process everything before confronting. Because we can say a lot of bad things out of hurt and anger, and we might end up hurting more. “The way we react will determine how long the healing process will be.” – Bob Meisner – So, we must ask for God’s help for clarity and wisdom. We must surrender everything to Him. We ask for guidance, pray, and fast. Then, as Gary Chapman says, we “lovingly confront.” If our spouse does not repent after being confronted, he also says to “hurt inside and then, forgive.” Sometimes, the pain is so great that it’s impossible to forgive with our own strength. Forgiveness is so difficult because it is not natural, so we need God’s grace to be able to forgive. Forgiveness is a process, and it can take time. We must release our anger and hurt to God because He is just and loving, He will walk with us through it. We must pray for our spouse and stay ready to forgive. We must keep communicating with our spouse, even if it is hard. It leaves the door open to the opportunity for repentance and forgiveness.

When trust has been broken, it is very hard to rebuild. But it is not impossible, because God’s grace is always available to us. We then can give grace in return and our marriage can be restored. “Grace means giving your spouse something they desperately need, but don’t necessarily deserve.” – Tim Kimmel, The Grace Filled Marriage – That does not mean we have to forget and that we are not hurting anymore. It is the first step towards healing and restoration if we accept it. But I understand it is a long process that can take years sometimes depending on the circumstances.

To avoid breaking trust in our marriage, we need to be transparent with our spouse. We must constantly communicate with each other and prove that we are trustworthy and faithful. We guard each other’s hearts. We have no secrets and should always be honest about everything, so we are not subject to temptations, jealousy, and falling into sinful behaviors… The more we establish trust through an open and honest communication, the easier it will be to feel connected to our spouse. Thus, it will strengthen the relationship. Trust is the bedrock of marriage. 

 

“I have faced a big obstacle in my faith. I have been unable to get pregnant after having a miscarriage in 2011. It has affected my walk with the Lord in ways I never anticipated. My husband’s attitude seemed to me, to be cavalier at times about having children and very unconcerned, which hurt as motherhood was something I had dreamed of since girlhood. I began to hide my feelings about a lot of things as I was unsure how much my husband really cared. 

I became so very angry at God that I stopped being active in my faith and instead went through the motions. I was coaching softball and faced another faith rocking event. We lost a softball player to an accident that left one twin sister unscathed physically but emotionally devastated, and the other twin crushed inside the passenger side of the car. The first person I called was the “other man”. 

I had harbored a crush on my coworker for nearly a year. He was kind, unassuming, tall, affectionate and he was a great listener. We had spoken as friends for months, growing closer and pushing the line of flirtation. That year, my husband was gone for our anniversary and he barely had time or even remembered to call me. Meanwhile, this “other man” remembered and encouraged me to be something more going forward. I truly thought I could hide my activity, not get caught, and eventually we would call it quits and go back to our spouses. That line was crossed in a physical sense when I made a decision after losing that softball player. I wanted to experience something other than what had become my life. 

My marriage was on the rocks because of repeated issues my husband had with pornography throughout our marriage, his lack of true desire for a family, and trust being broken about pursuing our options for getting pregnant with medical intervention… He didn’t seem to care about my emotions or what was going on with my jobs, my team or my life. The “other man” listened to me. He affirmed my feelings and encouraged me when I doubted my own skills. He complimented me, he noticed me and I wanted that in my life. I just wasn’t getting it in my marriage.

But what the enemy meant for evil, God was able to redeem. My husband found out about the affair. I had fallen into pseudo-love with my coworker and was nearly unremorseful about my actions. I was sorry I got caught, but he had been giving me what my husband couldn’t. My husband was confused about how and why, as he didn’t know my emotions because I hadn’t trusted him enough to share. Despite initial justified reactions, God would not let go of His desire for us to be together. God revealed to us the lacks inside on both sides such as trusting our spouse to hear and respond in love to emotions, caring only about ourselves and for me, that I had given up because I felt like I was the only one giving 100%. Our lack of dependency on God played a huge factor too.

We were told about a marriage class called “2=1: Married for Life.” Each couple that were teaching inside this class had been through hardships. Some were like us while others faced various other challenges. We went through this class and it changed our lives! The class shows you how to depend on God for your marriage, it teaches you to see your spouse as God sees them. It teaches about God’s design for a marriage relationship. We grew together, we learned how to forgive, even the big stuff. We learned that God doesn’t see us the way we see ourselves. He wants redemption in marriage, even when it seems like things couldn’t possibly change.

We still have our struggles as no marriage is without them, but I have learned and continually practice being honest about my thoughts, emotions, and temptations. I do these things so I can continually show my spouse that he can trust me. I expose these things as well to a female so I can be held accountable and to make sure I have a prayer backing as I tell my spouse things that can be very hard for me. I have always been a perfectionist so it is hard to admit a wrong or shortcoming. My husband is honest with me as much as he can about his pornography struggles, but those things are more easily discussed with men. We do temperature checks so we are staying together on where each of us is at. Through all of this, we have become better friends and that helps us enjoy each other more and our love deepens and widens. We began praying together more frequently and for each other’s requests instead of our own. I wouldn’t have believed this is what my marriage could be like if someone had told me, but my God is a God of miracles!”

– Jane –