Vulnerability & Honesty

By ANGELIQUE VACCARO

 

Being vulnerable along with being honest with our spouse is very important. It is a demonstration of great humility; it is a proof of love! “To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves – Yes, it is risking to be hurt, but marriage is worth it even if it hurts sometimes. When our spouse is trying to be vulnerable and honest with us, it’s like a knock on our door. And we hold the power to open it or not. Because we love each other, we have to open the door. It is an invitation to oneness, to a heart to heart relationship. The more we are vulnerable and honest, the more we feel comfortable and our marriage will keep growing in the right direction. This means sharing not only the good things with our spouse, but also share the bad; the hidden things we try to suppress or stuff down.

Because marriage is about being one, we are not by ourselves anymore; we do not keep secrets from one another, and most importantly, we don’t suffer alone. We have to live in truth and complete honesty with each other, and it is best to tell everything about ourselves before it comes up unexpectedly and shakes our marriage. Ephesians 4:25 says: “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” We all have baggage from our past: unresolved anger, deep wounds, trauma, fears… We literally arrive into marriage broken. We have pain we never dealt with and many insecurities we have to fix. It is necessary to discuss these issues with our spouse and let them know where we are coming from. 

“Don’t let the enemy use your past to rob your future.” – Lisa Bevere – The enemy will use our past to attack our marriage and our future. This is why it is of utmost importance to talk about our past with our spouse, preferably even before getting married. We must be completely honest, bring everything to light, even our darkest secrets and things we are ashamed of. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16) We must unwrap it all from the beginning, unload our baggage, deal with it as best as we can. Pray about it, seek outside help if we need to, so we can heal and move forward. Then it becomes easier to contemplate a future together because we are not stuck in the past anymore. Being vulnerable sets us free!

It requires courage to be vulnerable and honest. Doing so opens the door to a level of intimacy every couple needs for a strong and thriving marriage. Being vulnerable is like being an open book with our story without condemning or feeling judged, without hiding anything at all. “No matter what our past has held, no matter how many times we’ve fallen down and messed up, with the wisdom we find in God’s Word, we can start living differently today.” – Lysa Terkeurst – The fear of giving someone access to our weaknesses is legitimate, but because we chose to do life together with our spouse by getting married, we are in it together; in the good as well as in the bad seasons. Being one means to bear each other’s burdens, to pray for each other, to have each other’s back no matter what… What affects us also affects our spouse. So, it is essential to cultivate an atmosphere of honesty within our relationship for it to grow stronger and to keep the devil out.

Vulnerability and honesty, along with good communication, are key elements to a healthy marriage. Yes, we have to deal with our past, but also with every problem that arises in marriage. Marriage should be a safe place for spouses to be open with one another in any circumstances and situations. We must trust our spouse with our feelings and our emotions because they are legitimate! And we can show our spouse that they can trust us too. We don’t want to be judged for sharing our hearts with one another.

We should be able to express anything without paying a price and give our spouse the right to be vulnerable without accusing or criticizing. We should be able to be honest without feeling guilty about it or being scared of repercussions. Sadly, many marriages lack humility, patience, listening skills and communication strategies to feel they can be vulnerable and honest with each other. When the lines of communication are cut between the spouses, there is division and bitterness, spite and contempt slowly move in and give the devil a foothold. The consequences can be devastating if we don’t deal with it right away. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32) This is why communication is so crucial. It all goes together!

Opening up to each other draws us closer. With practice, we start to feel more and more comfortable with one another. We just need to take the first step by sharing thoughts and feelings, in complete honesty and vulnerability. It is freeing! It removes the weight from our shoulders and brings unity and peace. It’s especially true during personal struggles when one spouse can support, pray and provide help for the other… Of course there will be weakness and failure, but we learn from our mistakes and we can work hard not to repeat them. And if we stumble again, we just have to get up, ask for forgiveness, and try again. Marriage means sticking together. It’s saying, “I am not going anywhere. I am here for you. I am in this with you!” Being honest and vulnerable should become natural.

“I honestly can’t think of any vulnerability I have that he does not know about. I enjoy being vulnerable with him because he makes me feel better.” – Lisa –

“I was scared to have an honest conversation with my husband recently. I needed to talk to him about something serious I struggled with in my heart. I prayed a lot on how to approach him about it. It was not as scary as I anticipated: my husband was listening to me, he was very patient, he stayed calm and he answered all my questions. He reassured me and I felt very confident again. We shared a lot and it was very constructive. It actually felt very freeing! I am glad I took the step and conquered my fears of being vulnerable with him. I feel way more connected to him now!” – Angelique –

God gave us a partner, a shoulder to lean on, an ally to fight next to us in our battles. Why hesitate to be vulnerable with our spouse? Why is it so hard? What are we afraid of? Sadly, some people don’t feel they can be vulnerable and honest with their spouse, and this lack of communication can create serious issues and weaken one’s marriage.

“I have done that before and it meant nothing… I keep things to myself now as I learned I will never be important enough for anything I say to matter to him. If it’s not about him, it means it’s not important.” – Claire –

“When I share something vulnerable, it gives my spouse fuel in his fire. During the heated arguments that I tend to retreat from, the something that I share is used against me. The trust is not there for me to want to even try to open up.” – Jenny –

“I tried, it was used against me in an argument.” – Katrina –

“Ugh. It feels impossible.” – Sharon – 

We don’t allow ourselves to be real because it hurts. Maybe we think that if we are honest and vulnerable, we will hurt our spouse. We are scared they will hurt us back and won’t love us anymore. Maybe we put too much pressure on our spouse and also on ourselves. Or we simply choose to give up and never believe we can change… Are we too hard on each other? Both spouses have their responsibility. It is a choice they have to make. They should work on making their marriage a safe place to be able to open up to each other. They should communicate with each other about what makes them insecure and how they feel when they attempt to be honest and vulnerable. They must talk about what can be improved and what should be changed.

The reality is that marriage is very difficult at times. It takes two persons to make a marriage work. We must make the effort to put our pride and ego aside and learn to communicate. For some people, it comes easier than others; for others, it might take more time. But we know we have to keep trying, so we don’t stay stuck and harm our marriage. We should look beyond ourselves and try our hardest to change and build new patterns, to allow ourselves to trust and be vulnerable. We should always persevere! “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” (James 1:12) We must make the decision to work together towards a better marriage. Every day is one more step to a better us. Marriage is a blessing. It is worth fighting for! We should never give up on each other!